Screw Cancer - I'm Peggy Luckey Damnit!

How Dare I Feel Down

2010-07-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

I've been off of chemo since mid-June. I kept up with all the parties and family and running around. No afternoon napping for me. Moved into Mom-mode in trying to organize Colleen and getting her ready for her big move to college. Spent the last 4 weekends focused on Michaela and her softball practice and local weekend tournaments. Survived last week's flood. All in all, I've been "living normal"...doing all the regular stuff of life. Small, day-to-day activities that were elusive this time last year.

But....

I'm feeling really restless. Incomplete. Lost. I was close to breaking down and having a good cry fest today. I actually planned on going to a chapel this afternoon to just be alone, unfindable, and see if I could make any sense of my current state of mind.

I'm feeling anxious and desperate. I need to work again. As in MONEY. I'm scared.

Then, I read on the colon cancer message board that I frequent, that one of "us" - a fighter/survivor, has taken a turn for the worse. Colon cancer spread to her brain, nothing they can do, she has a 13-yo child. Donna is such a beautiful spirit. She's probably pretty tired of fighting.

My CT scan is in 2 weeks. Am I still cancer free? My colonoscopy is in Spetember, will the "symptoms" I'm having now mean the cancer is returned? The thought of only being "free" for a short while is unerving.
How do people keep fighting and fighting when they get recurrences?

But....how dare I feel one bit sad or depressed. Because today, I am cancer free, and here, and have every reason in the world to be happy. Donna doesn't get that.

Chemo Is Officially Over....Now What?

2010-07-06T17:49:00.001-05:00

After weekly chemo from April 2009 thru June 2010, I am done with chemo. I had a few breaks during that time due to infections, blockages, and other delightful set backs.

Then, as many of you know, I found my way to Sloan Kettering in March 2010 and had 8 tumors removed from my liver and one ablated. There is no protocol for post-resection chemo. Some believe that doing chemo when there is technically No Evidence of Disease, is stupid. Some people think some chemo is a bit of insurance.

I had 4 cycles post surgery and just had a break due to family and vacation etc. I went to chemo today, ready to do a few more rounds and I asked the Oncologist, OK, how many more cycles do you think?

Doctor basically said that doing "mop up chemo" is no guarantee that the cancer won't come back. If it's going to return, it won't be because I did or didn't do more chemo at this point. So, I said, let's end it.

Now, my CEA in June was 1.9 and today was 2.1. Still normal, but......?????

I'll do a CAT scan in 6 weeks amd blood work, then my first colonoscopy in September, since my diagnosis in March 2009.

So, now what? For 15 months, my life has been hospitals, surgeries, chemo, procedures blah blah blah.

I guess the mental/emotional battle begins. Re-establishing a life. Getting a job (hah, me and a gazillion other people) Learning to not live in fear and panic and anxiety of Cancer's Return.

Any Post Treatment Tips Welcome!!!!!

Still Trying To Decide Where To Put This Cancer

2010-06-21T11:08:00.001-05:00

No exact end date for chemo, but I'm sooo ready to be done with it: the rash, the long sleeves and pants, the cracked skin and painful sores on feet. So very very minor in the scheme of tings, but it gives me something to bitch about - a need I have.

Seems like some things have been put in my path the last few days to make me start thinking of the future, but still the subject is CANCER.

At church yesterday, as I turn behind me to give The sign Of Peace, the young woman behind me is the counselor from Wellness House from the women's support group. Damn my chemo brain for forgeting her name - she remembers me.

a Mom at Michaela's softball game and I were talking and she's seen me all draped, hooded, hats etc all precaustions against the sun I am so very sensitive to due to chemo. We talk and she she shares that a friend of hers, mid 40's is also battling colon cancer. I offer her my number to share with her friend - I will be of service in any way her friend may want to connect with me. To find out that someone is fighting and survivng the exact disease is really important....there's sooo much sadness and grim statistics and death that surrounds this disease, anything remotely positive is appreciated. I hope she calls me to connect and I hope I can be of service.

there was another thing but i forgot it. damn chemo brain...oh yeah, my Wellness House Ladies are getting together Wed night. Betty, the connector of the group, was missing on everyone and told us she'll be hanging out at a bar and waiting to see if any of us show up!!!!

Dear Katie

2010-05-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

Thank You

Time To Re-Focus and Lay Out the Gratitude List

2010-04-29T11:05:00.000-05:00

I've been in a funk since my surgery. I'm cranky, I'm still fatigued and healing, I'm emotional and just plain lost.

As I was showering this morning, it hit me like a brick - One year ago, I needed Lee to help me take a shower: He wrapped my emaciated body in saran wrap to protect the ostomy bag; He installed a hand-held shower wand so I could sit on the shower chair since I was too weak to stand for very long.

I took a look back at a post I wrote in May and I listed things I Missed:

Food on My Terms
The way food USED to taste.
Wiping My Ass
My "Before" Clothes
Wearing MakeUp/Clear Skin
Stamina
Q-Tip Satisfaction: I no longer produce ear wax, no need to Q-tip. Freaky, I know.
Fitting into my Bras- I used to somewhat dislike my large Marges, now I miss them
Diet Pepsi: The bubbly, crisp, sweet drink in the middle of the work day. I drank maybe 3 per week, not a soda-aholic by any means. Any carbonated drink tastes like acid.
Ketchup: How can I eat my diet of hamburgers without it? i need a condiment, damn it. The acidity of the tomato is not a pretty thing for my tongue, throat, tummy. On the same vein, I miss MY homemade Spaghetti Sauce.(gravy, for my Italian friends). My red sauce was soooo my comfort food.

Except for 1-2 items listed, I either have all those things back, or almost back.

The simple act of taking a shower, unassisted is so much more satisfying now.
I don't need to go into detail about how grateful I am to NOT have an ostomy bag, I gave you all much too much detail last year!
Picking up Michaela from school
Eating together as a family

The little things that were unavailable to me one year ago are now an abundant blessing one year later.

XOXOX

Peggy

To Blog or Not To Blog - That Is The Question

2010-04-26T07:36:00.001-05:00

I'm in this very strange place - one month ago, I had a surgery that was not an option for me, until a series of miracles made it an option for me. While I am technically "cancer-free", said with fingers crossed, I am still in treatment for the next 3 months or so in the hopes that some more toxic chemicals will nuke any microscopic cancer cells. So many conflicting emotions on this- will this additional chemo make any cancer in my body more resistent to the chemo? Will this chemo effect me in other ways yet to be discovered?

I'm also having flashbacks of what was happening to me a year ago - a year ago I was just one month post-surgery from the colon resection. A year ago I was trying to get emotionally and physically get used to having an ileostomy. A year ago was so very sad, so very scary. Every day I'd wake up and then be shocked into the realization - I have cancer.

So now that I am in a very different place than a year ago, do I keep on blogging? Last year, from March through November, there was a constant stream of hospitilizations, surgeries, treatment issues, setbacks and bouncebacks to keep all my friends and family informed....now, hopefully, I can quietly continue my chemo, have scans and pray for continued remission.

I expect most of my challenges from now on will be mental/emotional ones - figuring out how to recreate some kind of positive life for me and my family - what do I do? Where's the right place for me to give back? Work- do I even try to get back in the game? What are my options?
I'm sure for anyone in "remission" the mental part is a tough phase - you go from almost dead to alive - from hopeless to full of hope. I feel like there's an expectation of me to "live BIG", to be a walking advertisement of life after cancer, reverence to the miracle etc....yet I "know" that my surgery, while a wonderful thing. does NOT take me completely out of the woods. I have a 60% chance of recurrence. My surgeon told me not to thank him for Five years, that oh-so important cancer statistic.
what do I do? how do put it all in it's proper place? I guess I'll keep praying and hope it's not too much to ask

Return to The Dark Side - Chemo Begins Monday

2010-04-15T06:51:00.001-05:00

I start chemo on Monday. Same drugs, same schedule- one week = long infusion of full coctail, the next week, short infusion of Erbatux. Scan in three months. The one drug - Ironotecean, has some toxicity to liver, so Dr. Lo said she will maintain very low threshholds and numbers on bloodwork, to make sure not an issue. If so, that drug will be taken off the list.

So, halting of hair growth - it's the typical curly chemo hair.
Back to the nasty rash on my face- it's been nice having clear skin the past few weeks. I went to NY with a horrible rash and it cleared up about three weeks later.
Back to being hooked up to a pack full of chemo to lug around for 2 days.

I have mixed emotions at this moment - I am sure that I want to do this "insurance" chemo, in the hopes that any lurking cancer cells will be nuked. But I am ready to be DONE with it all. I don't want to be around sick, dying people. I don't want to be in the Cancer Hospital every day feeling sad for those who may not have it as good as I do right now.

I'm not sure where I fit in right now. It's wierd. I don't like it.

Faith

2010-04-09T07:06:00.000-05:00

I need me some of this to get through a different hurdle in my lane.

Hebrew 11:1 Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Riddle Me This: NO Standard of Care post Liver Resection?

2010-04-08T09:39:00.002-05:00

So, my Onc calls me back - I left her a message about re-starting chemo as per Dr. Fong, who did my liver resection a few weeks ago. He suggested 3-6 months, same chemo as I was on.

Onc states (once again) that I have her stumped - that there is NO STANDARD OF CARE after a liver resection. Can that be true??? the oncology field has not a recommended treatment plan after a successful liver resection?

One person at the American Cancer Society Message Board replied rather strongly: "WHY would you continue to put toxic chemicals in your body as "insurance" if there is no indication that any cancer cells remain per current means of detection?"

She reached out to a few of her mentors, one says No treatment and another says to do a different coctail of drugs than what I was on.

I am agahst. I asked her - "so Doc, have you not ever had a patient like me? Stage 4, still alive, liver resection?" And she said "No".

At this point, no mets were detected anywhere but liver. Onc & I agree that I want to do chemo as some "insurance" against the microspcopic cells lurking aound. She will reach out for more opinions.

I find this distrubing and odd.

Question Of The Day

2010-04-07T07:05:00.000-05:00

This is what kept me up in the middle of the night:

I was given a gift, a huge, ginormous, monumental gift, am I allowed to pray for more? What are my expectations to be? Since I am a recipient of a "biggie" do I dare ask God for more? Like, "Dear God, please let things work out good for Colleen for college - choice, loans,financing, etc".

Is that selfish?

Rejoice

2010-04-04T09:54:00.001-05:00

If Easter 2010 isn't a season for rejoicing, I don't know what is. One year ago today, I was about 2 weeks post-op from my cancer surgery, ileostomy placement and still reeling from the cancer diagnosis. I think the girls went over to my Mom's for Easter Dinner and Lee stayed back and watched me drool.

What a difference a year makes.

My Mom said yesterday "How do I even begin to thank God for what he's done for you?" That's the $64,000 question.

For today, I praise all of you for your relentless, dedicated prayer and support.

Here's a picture of Dr. Fong, the Monday before my surgery

This is the Day the Lord Hs Made, let Us rejoice and Be Glad!!!

Sweet Home Chicago

2010-03-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

Last day in NYC. Can't wait to get home. I've never been away for 3 weeks at a crack.

Saw Dr. Fong yesterday. The pathology on the tumors they removed showed 80-90% necrosis - meaning dead tissue. He wants me to do scans in 3 months then 6 months so he can review. He also recommends 3 months of chemo starting in 3 weeks, to kill any micrscopic cancer cells that may still be lingering in the liver.

So those are my marching orders. I think I can handle it!

And Now To Move Forward, One Step At A Time

2010-03-25T18:12:00.001-05:00

We did it Prayer Warriors...We Did It! Yippe Yahoo and Halleluejia!!!

One week post-surgery and I am now recouperating at Miracle House, with Lee, Katie, Julie and a weekend visit from the kids. (peaceful R&R???). I feel like someone beat the snot out of me with a brick. I have one long L-shaped scar on my torso, so as you can imagine, the scabby, tight sutures and soreness of the area limits mobility. But, One step at a time, one stretch at a time, one lap at a time to return to strength and comfort. Heck, I've been through enough surgeries this past year, I know the drill by now!

Kate & I took a stroll around the neighborhood today. I alternated between wheelchair and walking and hoping Katie wasn't going to pull a "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?" on me. That's all I need is to be catapulted out of the wheelchair onto a dog-poop filled New York Sidewalk!!!

My oncologist, Dr. Lo, called me last night and was so happy to hear the news of my successful surgery.

I'll see Dr. Fong Monday for a follow-up and hopefully he will have the pathology on the removed tumors.

I asked the rounding Doctor the other day - "So, does this mean I'm Cancer Free - NED (No Evidence of Disease) and he said the best word ever..."Yes".

I will have a lot of mental and emotioal transitioning to do in addition to my physical rehab. After a year of complete and utter Fear, Sadness, Pain, Confusion, I now need to "live" in a new way I suppose.

So my Prayer Warriors - Rejoice in the MIRACLE you created, I sure will.

XOXOX

Peggy

2010-03-18T10:35:00.002-05:00

Something occurred to me yesterday. Throughout Peg's journey people have said the words, "I'm praying for her." The words have been said to me, my parents, and my brothers over and over.What struck me yesterday is how far and wide Peg has been prayed for. The trickle affect of knowing someone who needs to be prayed for and passing that on is truly AWESOME.Our sister-in-law, Ruth, told me that while praying for Peg yesterday she just wasn't sure she was being heard so she wanted to make certain and asked a few of her friends to join her and when they finished she knew she was heard. Ruth is in Virginia. Lee's parents called the night before and they had their church praying for Peg. They live in California. Peg has a friend, Peter, in New York praying for her and Kirsten in South Carolina. She has made new connections and reconnected with old friends in other countries and they prayed for her.Of course, we cannot leave out all the local prayer warriors as well, but I think you get my point.

I did speak to Peggy this morning. She sounded pretty good and is very happy with the outcome. True to Peg's nature, she is already worrying about the future and the chance of reoccurrence. I hope she can take some time to bask in the glory of this ongoing miracle for a while.

Katie

Post Surgery News

2010-03-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

Peg is out of surgery and doing well. It was expected to last 3 1/2 to 4 hours but Dr. Fong was done in about 2 hours which of course had Lee and my folks scared when he came walking out that soon. It was all good news.Only 40% of Peg's liver had to be removed. There is one tumor remaining of the 8 or 9 that he could not remove because it is too close to blood vessels. He cauterized it or as Lee put it, "fried the shit out of it" to kill any remaining live cancer cells that might be there. It hasn't been determined if she will need further treatment..

That's all for now. The rush of relief I've been waiting for has just come in a flood of tears. Can't type and cry anymore.

Thank you everyone for all your continued prayers and good wishes,

Katie

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight, Peggy's Gettin' Fonged

2010-03-16T18:04:00.001-05:00

Last post before I go under the knife.

Lee & I took a walk along the Hudson River from 43rd Ave up to 60th/Columbus Circle and Central Park. The sun was finally out in NYC so people were out in droves and lovin' the Big Apple. Tremendous people watching.

My Mom & Dad arrived at the apartment about 3 PM and Lee took them to get Bus passes, food, and they are at dinner now.

Me. I am nursing that nasty Magensium Citrate - I used to chug beer, you think I could chug this crud??!!!
I'll pack my hopsital bag, take a super luxurious shower with Hibiclens - some de-germing stuff the hospital wants me to use, then try and not think about FOOD.

Good Night My lovely wonderful Warriors. It's almost embarassing the abundant, over-flowing love and prayers that are on steroids right now for me. I thank you all, and am forever greatful for your unending faithful prayer

XOXO

Peggy

Live In New York, It's........

2010-03-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

Lee & I made it safely to NYC Satruday. Rained cats & dogs Saturday, most of Sunday and now just drizzly. I'm blogging from the waiting room of SLoan Kettering Outpatient Center, waiting to do pre-op Testing: EKG, blood draws, Chest X-Ray. IT'll be a long wait as the waiting room is packed. A year of chemo treatments and multiple ER visits and surgeries, I know the waiting game.

Today is the last day I can eat food, so as soon as I'm sprung this afternoon, I need to be a locust and eat my way through NYC for the next few hours.

Lee snapped a picture of Me and Dr. Fong at my pre-op visit today, I'll try and post it tonight. He thinks this willl be a successful surgery - meaning he can get all the tumors....there's something about him that is so peaceful, yet authoritative and confident. He can be talking Valkan and you'd beleive him! It's comforting.

Thankk God for Lee, he has the NYC Bus system pretty much down. I told him "Thank God you're here to navigate so I only halfpay attention" which is about all I'm capable of right now in my spazzy pre-op state of mind.

No NY moments, except the dead umbrellas. AFter the major storm on Satruday, all you see on the sidewalks are abandoned umbrellas, turned inside out and destroyed becasue it was soooo windy Satruday. I'll try and snap a picutre.

Oh and ther was a guy on the bus this morning with the nastiest breath ever, it envolped me like a cloud of nastiness, and I just tried to breath into Lee's neck for a whiff of cologne, anything to disband the halitosis.

XOXOXOX

Peggy

See Ya In New York - I'm Gettin' FONGED!!!!

2010-03-12T12:13:00.000-06:00

Why am I blogging when I should be writing lists and mailing bills and packing for New York? well, because I have diarreah of the mouth and mind and would much rather commuicate than work!!!!

Katie will post updates post-surgery, I'll take over when I stop drooling and hitting the morphine pump.

Do you think Dr. Fong would mind that I just made a verb out of his name?

Fong; Fonging; Fonged - to perform life-saving oncological surgery on dieseased organs; to scoop out nasty-ass tumors...feel free to add your ownd definitions!

XOXOXOXO

Abundant Blessings

2010-03-11T08:46:00.000-06:00

Two days before take off. So much on my mind.

Blessing #525,600
Last Saturday, my school friends and their spouses gathered at Julianna and Brian's home for what has become a wonderful habit of get-togethers. As I've blogged about in the past, this group of grade school/high school friends gathered around me last Spring and have been by my side ever since. So it took cancer to get us all back in the habit of spending time with each other, who cares. That's not what's important, I don't have to tell you that.

It's that beauty of reconnecting with people you are so fond of. It's the ability to fall back into comfortable, easy, I-knew-you-when realtaionships. It's also wonderful knowing these friends as the women they've become. We all have this abudance of life experience under our wings now and to be able to appreciate these women on a different level, applaud all their accomplishements, be empathetic to their struggles is a beautiful thing. And a shout-out to the Spouses who so patiently step aside, let us cackle and laugh and manage 6 conversations at once, they get it, and we love them all the more for it!

Blessing #525,601
Tuesday Night was a gathering of new friends - the Women from the Wellness House Support Group. Betty hosted dinner at her home and a beautiful evening of Cancer Warriors circled around me for my send-off to Hope. I'm crying now as I type, so I think I'll stop now. Here's a picture of these fierce, gorgeous cancer survivors...I love you all!!!

Countdown to New York

2010-03-06T09:03:00.001-06:00

One week from TODAY Lee & I will be on a plane east. Continuing the journey toward HOPE.

To kick off this last week of my physical freedom, if you will, the family is going to see Fr. Tony for a special blessing. If you are ever in Elmhurst, IL, go to Mary Queen of Heaven for a dose of Fr. Tony, he is the absolute epitomy of what a Priest should be.

Tonight we are having dinner with my wonderful Grade School/High School friends. I made my first bread pudding with Mom yesterday....they better wear elastic-waist pants, because it is super fattening and super delish.

If you are interested in where Lee & I will be staying, please email me p.a.luckey@att.net

XOXOX

Peggy

The Story of Hope Continues...God keeps connecting the Dots...

2010-02-28T10:01:00.000-06:00

My Betty - A fantastic, funny, wonderful woman from the Wellness House support group is having a send-off dinner for me before I leave Chicago and go to Sloan for liver resection. She calls me yesterday with a story:

Betty, attended a celebration at Wellness House, a non-profit center for cancer patients and family. She starts talking to the Director and tells her about all the women she met and that she's having us all over for dinner to celebrate my upcoming life-saving surgery. The Director starts questioning her about where my surgery is and who is performing it, she gets wide-eyed and starts looking for another attendee, Mike. Mike wasn't there anymore but the Director tells Betty - "tell Peggy that Mike was ALSO Stage 4 Colon cancer and had surgery 13 years ago by Dr. Fong"!!! Can you believe the thread that keeps connecting me to HOPE??? I'm crying all over again !!!

I can't wait for Mike to get in touch with me so I can hear his story.

It continues to amaze me...I am not scared, Ii am not worried, my mindset ever since I got into Sloan and Dr. Fong told me he'd operate is..Peace. I think I feel peaceful about my outcome...it's all gonna be OK. I hope that's not Pollyanna on my part..I don't think it is. So many of you feel the same way and have told me "Peg, I feel good about this, I'm not worried for you anymore"

The other way my mind is operating is " OK, I am D.O.N.E. with this cancer crap. Let's wrap it up and move on. I'm done with hospitals, ERs, needles, weekly chemo, etc...."

As always, THANK YOU my glorious, wonderful beautiful prayer warriors.....your work is paying off. I so hope you are receiving blessings in your life, be they little or big...you deserve it and MORE for all you have done for me and my family.

XOXOX

Peggy

I was just crying at that story...it seems like there have been a series of wonderful coincidences and connections that got me to where I am going...the glory continues and I feel sooo very Hopeful

Let's Make A Joyful Noise...Last Chemo , Last Unhook of the 48-Hour Fusion

2010-02-18T15:06:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyLuIY8IyO4

What a Joyful Day...40 degrees and SUNNY in Chicago puts everyone in a good mood.

I went to Loyola Cancer Hospital to get my 5FU chemo bag unhooked for the last time. Hugs from the nurses and promises of prayers and good vibes.

I feel so incredibly HOPEFUL. I continue to feel the fullness of God's Abundant Blessings....those blessings are YOU and every single person who's prayed for me, with me, over me.

I am almost at the year anniversary when my life and my family's lives changed. I'm very weepy and emotional right now.

Now I wait, get things in order for New York Trip.
I'm already composing a prayer I would like to say when I see Dr. Fong, before my surgery. I hope he doesn't mind.

What a huge responsibility Dr. Fong has - offering hope via his surgical skill. Must be a burden too, when people like me go to him, it's serious stuff. Hmm, something to ponder

XOXOX

Peggy

Sending Love to Laura Jones

2010-02-16T12:29:00.000-06:00

Shout Out To Laura - I know you keep up on me here at the blog. Mom was so happy to talk to you today.
Sending Love, Peace, and Prayers that your pain abates.

Love You

Peggy

Calling All Anniversary Party Gift Givers....

2010-02-11T16:21:00.000-06:00

There are 2 lovely gifts that got disconnected from a card or identity....if you are the lovely person who gave Lee & I:

Willow Tree Couple Embrace Statue
winter Warmth candle plate

please let us know so we can thank you properly!!!!

XOXOXOX
Peggy

The Glory and the Power Continue.....

2010-02-09T17:39:00.002-06:00

Had a CAT scan today. Wanted one done in Chicago before heading to New York next month, JUST to be sure no surprises.

Dr. Lo called me as soon as she got the prelim readings....NO new cancer and in fact some decreased tumor size. The chemo continues to work.

The Miracle continues folks....I have one more round of chemo then 4 weeks until surgery. I'm starting to get antsy, I was wanting more "up" time before surgery and being weak and non-mobile, but now I'm just ready to get under the knife, scoop all the cancer out and get on with it. But that's OK, I will enjoy these next 4 weeks, see friends, get things in order and then be off to New York.

As always, THANK YOU for your continual, powerful, prayer-filled presence. IT's Working!!!!!!!

Peggy

My Honey

2010-02-08T17:49:00.000-06:00

Can I Ask You For Some Prayers?

2010-02-04T14:46:00.000-06:00

Two Lauras in my life are diseased with cancer. Can you please send some of your powerful prayers that have so lifted me to these ladies?

Quote of the Day

2010-02-03T16:11:00.000-06:00

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. - The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is in itself a marvelous victory.” Howard Zinn

It's All Coming Together - New York

2010-02-01T11:43:00.000-06:00

The details for accomodations in New York are falling in place. Lee and I will travel to NYC the Saturday before surgery (tests etc Sunday, Monday Tuesday) and secured super priced shared apartment at the Miracle House for the first 10 days then Lee and I will move to the Hope Lodge for the last leg of the trip.

My dad, the STALKER, called the Miracle house 10 times until he got a live person today, to confirm a room for him and mom. My sister will stay the 2nd leg.

So, it's all coming together Prayer Warriors - affordable housing for my loved ones spending time in NYC with me for what will be the most important surgery of my LIFE. Again, I THANK YOU all for your never-ending support and prayers.

XOXOX

Peggy

Time Out For a bit O'Whining

2010-01-25T07:52:00.003-06:00

Don't worry - I'm still jazzed on my good news, but I wouldn't be ME if i didn't complain just a tad, now would I?

The Erbatux Ugly Stick is just NOT letting go! My skin is not responding to the ointment anymore and it burns, and stings and hurts and is U-G-L-Y. I'm sick of scaring small children and geting the impolite stares from people in public.

OK, done for now.

XOXOXO

Hey Prayer Warriors - WE DID IT!!!

2010-01-15T10:47:00.002-06:00

March 17th, 2010 - Confirmed Liver resection surgery date. Not only is it St. Patrick's Day, it is exactly ONE day to the year that my world changed forever, the day I was officially told of my cancer.

A collective victory to be sure. My posse of prayer warriors - you've been in this fight with me since Day 1 and we are one step closer to victory. You ALL can attest to the power of prayer.
I told Lee and Katie and Desi and my parents that I wish I could have every single person that has prayed for me in one room so I can hug you all and thank you all personally for your devoted prayer. I guess all I can do to thank you is to Honor you all by continuing to fight and to figure out a way to live my life honorably with a gratitude for all the blessings I've received during this battle. I hope I don't disappoint!

So, now, for the next few weeks I must tend to the details:

Find affordable accommodations in NYC for my family
Airline reservations
Fill out FASFA forms for college aid for Colleen
File Taxes
Tackle Insurance and Hospital bills Nightmare
etc...

I bought a 20-class pass to Elmhurst Yoga Shala and plan on taking all the classes I can. I need to get my mind and body strong for this next stage of the fight. I'm not the "yoga" type - calm and centered and peaceful - but I could really use the ability to meditate and focus my mind so I don't flit and fly all over the place when I'm awake at 2 in the morning. The nightly rambling of my brain is getting annoying - I can't turn it off.

I'm soooo happy that Dr. Fong will operate on me. I'm scared, anxious, and excited. But I know I have all of you to keep me going!

((HUGS))

Peggy

2010-01-12T11:15:00.005-06:00

HOPE....

That is what Peg was offered yesterday. She and Lee met with Dr. Fong at Sloan Kettering and he feels she is a good candidate for surgery. It is surgery that will give her the best chance at being cured so surgery it will be. The sound of Peg's voice after she left the doctors office and told us the news was positively joyful, through tears of course, but joyful.

There is more to it than just operating and magically the cancer will be gone but now she has hope and a plan which is what Peg has wanted.

My dad said he feels a miracle is in the making. Part of that miracle is our family friend, Dr. Miller. He been instrumental in getting Peggy in to Dr. Fong at Sloan Kettering. He has guided Peg through every process, explained things in lay terms, and peppered it with a little spiritual guidence.

Since Peg has gone back on chemo her hands hurt so she did not want to type today but wanted to let you know how things went. She is back home and will be planning out the course that will take her back to Sloan for surgery. Details, details, details. As soon as she is feeling up to it she'll be blogging once more in the raw, colorful, and heartfelt way that only she can.

Please keep praying for Peggy's complete recovery.

Katie

Countdown to New York

2010-01-08T10:41:00.002-06:00

Biopsy slides - Check
Pet Scans and MRI images - Check
Insurance Cards and Photo IDs - Check

Lee & I leave for New York this Sunday for our appointment with Dr. Fong at Sloan Kettering.

What do I hope to get from this meeting?

Well, the ultimate goal is to have surgery on my liver to get rid of all visible signs of cancer. That - is the best hope for a cure. So, I want Dr. Fong to offer me surgery - surgery with confidence.

I want to understand what my options are and which one is the best to pursue. I want a plan of attack. I want to know what the next step is for me to fight for. I want to know where to put my energy and my focus. I want longevity. I want life. I want to be humble enough to accept God's will.

Seriously, has cancer made me TOTALLY stupid?

2009-12-30T16:43:00.002-06:00

Don't answer that.

I get a call from the Chemo Hospital yesterday-
"Peggy, this is Nurse Linda, you missed your infusion appt. today and you never miss appointments."

Me: "I'm no longer on the every week chemo, so that appointment should have been deleted."

Today Becky, my oncologists Nurse calls me and tells me I missed the appt. I relayed to her that I AM positive Dr. Lo and I discussed that I was only getting an every other week chemo infusion. did she change her mind or mix me up with another patient?

So, I basically am back at the frickin' freakin' hospital every week for chemo. I was enjoying the idea of every other week, and to hanging onto my new-found energy.

I'll never know for sure if, once again, there was a communication breakdown and I "misunderstood" Dr. Lo or if I dreamt the whole conversation and made up my own schedule. It pisses me off. Because I am not clear with her, I ask and confirm her answers ALWAYS and I KNOW she said every other week, to which I replied, Yippee, or yea, or something to that effect.

Damn.

Sloan Kettering Date Set and an update on Communication Hell

2009-12-23T07:02:00.004-06:00

Consultation with Dr. Fong at Sloan Kettering booked for January 11th.

Spoke with my surgeon, Dr. Shoup - Loyola, to let her know of my trip to see the Surgeon that trained HER. She'll call him and discuss my case and his findings as well.

I also got clarification from her regarding the "Am I a candidate for surgery to remove liver tumors or not". It was my understanding that, per the last Loyola team meeting, I was NOT a candidate. I came to that conclusion based on the fact that it wasn't presented to me as an option, only TheraShperes. Dr. Shoup explained that Theraspheres was presented as an optional treatment because it wouldn't "harm" the liver should surgery be done down the road.

Dr. Shoup also stated that I "could" have surgery but it is a matter of "should" I have surgery.
I'm not entirely clear on the reasons why I should not have surgery but here are some:

my tumors are on all lobes of liver, if all were cut out, not enough liver left to survive
if only one side of liver operated on, that leaves other tumors, meaning not "cured"
the liver surgery could end up compromising my ability to receive chemo and can also effect kidneys

I hope to get more understanding on the risks/benefits (although that is ALWAYS unclear) from my meeting with Dr Bertram at Northwestern today, and from Dr. Fong.

I saw Dr. Lo, my oncologist, yesterday at chemo and brought her up to date on my other consultations. I told her my continued frustrations with communication, and that as a patient, I may hear "the bad" news and not the good, or that if a limited amount of information is told to me, I will interpret and assume a host of other things. So I asked her to make sure she gives me more and clearer reasons for any team opinions and options presented to me so I can better process it and make decisions. I explained to her that I'm trying to get at much info and understanding as I can while my energy level and brain function are Good right now - while my chemo regimen is lighter, I may very well fall back into fatigue and Chemo Brain and don't want to be in a further position of weakness when making decisions on my care. I think she "got" it.

So my Angel Prayer Warriors, finish your shopping and gift wrapping and enjoy the time with your family and friends this week. As always, I thank you from the depths of my heart for all your support, prayers and good vibes.

((HUGS)) Peggy

I'm In - made It Behind the Iron Curtain of Appt. Screening at Sloan Kettering!

2009-12-16T08:00:00.002-06:00

Something beautiful has been happening in the past 48 hours or so, let me try and explain:

You know when you have to deal with annoying but necessary bureaucratic procedures and phone calls? Like tech help for a computer problem and you go through 27 layers of "If X Press 1" until you finally reach a live body....It's really frustrating, highly time-consuming but you just know, that in order to get resolution, you need to get your mind all set that this is going to be a long phone call and very frustrating.

So, after my rookie attempt at getting the ball rolling at Sloan Kettering, Dr. Miller, my connection to Dr. Fong (liver surgeon at Sloan) heard my tale and emailed Dr. Fong. Dr. Miller gave him my case background and Dr. Fong replied that I should call his office to get an appt.

It was NOT the general Appt. Number, it was Dr. Fong's Office Number. Yippee! I'm behind the Iron Curtain and I have the email trail to prove it!

So, first thing Monday morning I call THE number at Sloan Kettering. I was leery, did Dr. Fong give me another general number and I'd still have to maneuver my way through the appointment labyrinth? I left a message and moved on to my next phone call - Northwestern Hospital, for an appt. with the surgeons to get their opinion on my case.

Now, back to my opening statement that "something beautiful has happened in the past 48 hours"...(I know, I know, it takes me a while to make a point):

They called back. The SAME day. Before Noon, in fact.

Terry from Dr. Fong's office said the magic words "You're approved and fax over every surgical, chemo, blood and pathology report since your diagnosis. Then we'll schedule the appt."

Linda from Dr. Beltram's office at Northwestern called to schedule surgery consultation for next week.

The cherry on the cake is that instead of having to go through the Loyola records department to get copies of all my records, my call to the Cancer Center found me connected to Nurse Jimenez, who printed everything for me and left it with the Security Guard for me to pick up last night. What an Angel! That saved me time folks, the Records Dept. is a black hole and I told Nurse Jimenez I just didn't have the leisure of time to wait on those records. She is getting some thank you treats delivered by me today!

So, the past 48 hours was a blessing of things coming together; things falling into place without so much angst and energy and worry that it won't all work out the way you want it to and NEED it to.

It may seem small, but phone calls answered in an unusually timely manner, a kind Nurse that did me a huge favor, the family friend that reached out to connect me to a highly reputable surgeon.....I so appreciate getting a 2-day feeling of peace and satisfaction amidst the constant highs and lows of cancer.

So, don't take it for granted if you have a run of things "falling into place"...there's usually someone else involved helping you along.

XOXOXO

Peggy

Dante's Inferno - 2nd Opinion Hell

2009-12-13T09:41:00.002-06:00

I posted a few weeks back that my cancer team suggested a chemo break and that I am a candidate for Theraspheres. I met with radiologist and it was a frustrating session and I didn't feel he was able to "sell" me on the efficacy of the treatment, if it was a good next step etc. I was under the impression it is my only available targeted therapy to try at this point

I meet with Dr. Benson, oncologist at Northwestern - they say chemo should be continued, Theraspheres not recommended 1)not enough stats that it would "prolong life" and chemo has more evidence of that and 2) my tumors aren't vascular- that people tend to do better on targeted therapies if there tumors are vascular/lots of blood supply. It is also mentioned that, contrary to my current cancer team (onco, surgeon etc) that I AM looking like a candidate for liver surgery.

As exciting as that sounds - and Northwestern surgeon emphasizes that surgery is "the cure" to my disease, my current team has yo-yo'd on surgery and it's currently off the table. Add to that, Northwestern says that there is an optimum window of time to have surgery, when I'm on chemo break (I JUST re-started chemo this week) due to toxicity etc...

So now what do I do? I need to consult with surgeons at Northwestern for detailed opinion etc...do I go back to my original surgeon and share info? Now, does it come down to each surgeon's skill and ability, not just if I am a candidate? Until I know that Northwestern surgeons have thoroughly evaluated my PET Scan, I will not assume I am resectable right now. From my research, it appears that optimally, there are 4 or less tumors on the liver, though a very skilled surgeon may take on a case with more tumors.

I have a lot of tumors, don't know the number - though the Pet Scan in early November revealed that they weren't real "hot", several were "calcified" and not super active. That may be a factor in ability to do surgery, I'm guessing.

How do you decide? Dr. Miller, a dear friend of my family set the ball in motion for me to get an appt. with Dr. Yuman Fong- liver surgeon at Sloan Kettering, said to be the best....well, I was toltally screened out by my initial call however, Dr. Miller emailed Dr. Fong about my case and got a response that I should call directly for an appt- hopefully the number he gave is behind the Hospital's Great Wall of China/appt Screening Police.

How the heck are we to make decisions on our treatment when answers are so diverse????

there's sooo much more I could write about everything swirling around this next phase right now, but you'd be here for hours...will keep you posted.

XOXOXOX

Peggy

Return to The Dark Side

2009-12-07T07:17:00.003-06:00

Starting Chemo Again on Tuesday. For now, it will be "Chemo Light" - Erbatux and the 2-day take home pump of 5-FU.

Hopefully, side effects won't be as drastic for now, since I'm on a lighter poison regiment.

It's been soooo great having energy and appetite, although I have become a locust - my mouth was sooo deprived of culinary pleasure, now it just wants food ALL the time, even when I'm not hungry!

Will reschedule the TheraSpheres. I need to stay on some chemo so cancer doesn't return. Doing nothing will GUARANTEE the return of the Monster.

Have a Great Week!
XOXOXOX

Anger, Confusion, Anger, Confusion

2009-12-03T18:15:00.002-06:00

I am one pissed-off cancer chick. Meeting with Dr. Benson not good. Will report later when I can put some time and distance on it.

Today's The Day - 2nd opinion

2009-12-02T06:30:00.002-06:00

I have an early evening appointment with Dr. Al Benson at Northwestern Memorial today. I'm anxious- will he recommend a totally different type of treatment than Loyola? Will he tell me there's nothing left to do? Will he point me towards "Hope"?

It's very hard to constantly create the "Hope" vibe.

After the appointment Lee & I are having dinner with Tim and Julie - always a great time with wonderful, dear friends.

I am feeling really really good. More energy than I've had in months & months. Chemo really does knock you for a loop. My hair is starting to grow again too!

I'll report back on the Dr Benson meeting!

XOXOX

Peggy

My Treatment Option - Theraspheres

2009-11-25T13:02:00.007-06:00

Met with Dr. Malmais today - an Interventional Radiologist at Loyola - to discuss the recommended treatment of Theraspheres.

Kelly, the Nurse Practitioner went over all the procedural aspects, which I did research on-line, so nothing new or surprising there. It is a fairly "complicated" procedure in terms of prep, determining if I am eligible for the procedure per certain tests, blood work, etc.

What I took from the meeting with Dr. Malmais:

Because I responded well to chemotherapy, I am a good candidate for Theraspheres.
This treatment is also used for people who did NOT respond to chemo.

Expectations: 4% of patients have a "Complete Response" - tumors eradicated
60% of patients have a "Partial Response" - some tumor shrinkage/eradication
The balance have No response/or stabilization

In order for me to be "cured" - all tumors gone - surgery is the goal. At this time, I am not a surgery candidate, and I may never be. My tumors are on both lobes of liver, some are too close to a hepatic artery, which makes it too dangerous for surgery/tumor removal. There is a high recourrance of liver tumors...hearing this reality upset me deeply.

It's a slippery emotional slope for me to want Honest Answers, percentages, and anything to do with "survival" and prognosis. I did get very upset at one point and left the room to get myself together.

How do I strike the emotional and psychological balance of Reality, practicality, possibility and being "prepared" and not kill the "positive attitude" everyone tells me I must maintain in order to "beat this"?

I am very pissed off about the "multiple options" I was told I had. I tried to get the Doctor to give me an idea of what my multiple options are. (Surgeon and Oncologist have uttered this statement to me several times when I ask about the "what-ifs")

If this treatment does not produce X result, them what?
"chirp, chirp, chirp"

If A, then B. If X then Y. That's what I was looking for but I have not received. I know there are no absolutes, I know we must see how I respond. But don't tell me that not one of the Doctors think about or have a Plan B.

So I guess my Multiple Options (said with dripping pissed-off sarcasm) are: Do the Theraspheres or Don't Do the Theraspheres.

As of today I plan on doing them of course. I will try those options that give me a chance.
I have my meeting with Dr. Benson at Northwestern next week and will try and nail him on my "Multiple Options" mystery. On the one hand, I hope he recommends the Theraspheres treatment as well, so I am not faced with confusing, disparate treatments. I am kind of expecting that it will be the same, but will be interesting to hear my 1st Second Opinion.

Lest this sounds like the ultimate downer of a post, I was at the Uptowon Shop getting a hostess gift yesterday and the girls asked me how I was doing with chemo etc...A woman shopping overheard and told me her Sister had colon cnacer and did Therasphere treatment 6 years ago and is doing very well. From my on-line reading, this is a promising treatment...

My prayer for the next part of my treatment journey: Please Oh Please Let me be the miracle, let me be the 4% Complete Response.

XOXOXOX

Peggy

Blessed Times Three!

2009-11-17T08:08:00.004-06:00

I feel like I'm the lucky sister of Ebeneezer Scrooge- instead of being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, I was BLESSED by real people of my Past Present and Future.

1. Last week, my college friend, Laurene, was in Chicago for business trip. She taxied from the Loop out to Maywood to meet me at Chemo and spend time with me. Chemo was cancelled and she, my Mom and I had a great lunch at the Marion Street Cheese Market in Oak Park. We haven't seen each other in a few years, but, as always, we easily fell back into an effortless camaraderie - catching up on kids, work, life etc.

2. On Saturday, my sister Katie and I drove up to Lake Geneva, WI to meet Mary for lunch. Mary is a friend and colleague of Katie's and a special Prayer Warrior of mine. She always shares thoughtful, encouraging, loving support via this blog. I was so excited to meet her in person and she's every bit as beautiful in person as in cyber-world. She is my new Present and Future Friend!!!

3. Early Sunday evening, as I just lay down to take a load off, I hear a knock at the door and Lee call me. I was thinking it might be a neighbor and I wasn't in the mood to visit. I reluctantly get up and who is standing in my living room? Javier Lopez - a friend I knew over 20 years ago when I was a student living in Madrid, Spain. He was in Chicago to attend a funeral and was trying to look me up - our phone is unlisted. He googled me, found this Blog and showed up on my doorstep. After reading about my Cancer, he made it a point to pay me and my family a visit.

So, Christmas came early for me. God continues to show me the absolute beauty of the people around me, even those on the periphery.

I continue to be blessed 1,000 times over. How do I compete with that? How do I ever begin to bring this abundance of love back out into the universe? If you have an answer, PLEASE let me know!!

XOXOX Peggy

Good bye Chemo, Hello TheraSpheres

2009-11-13T06:36:00.005-06:00

The Loyola Cancer Team went over my case yesterday and recommend the following:

No more chemo- it has gone as far as it can go at this point - will gain no more from it

TheraSpheres- injection directly to the liver tumors to help further shrink tumors

Surgery - Not an option at this point until more tumors are shrunk/eradicated

I am pursuing 2nd opinion with Dr. Al Benson at Northwestern.

If for some reason I decided against the therashperes, then they would put me on a different chemo cocktail and see if that further shrunk tumors, but I will pursue these other treatment options.

For nearly 8 months, give or take some breaks due to hospitalizations, I have gone to Loyola Cancer center EVERY WEEK for chemo and DR. appts. It will be kind of weird to not have that weekly routine.

Also, even though chemo is poison and while it's good for tumor-shrinkage and BAD for the rest of your body, I feel scared that it will no longer, at least for now, be infused in me. It's run its course. I've responded very, very well to chemo, but time to take a break.

On the bright side, I gained 7 Pounds in the last week! I had an eating orgy last weekend - Benihana and Pappadeaux, I have to start weaning myself from the bad fattening foods and get better foods in my system. I need to figure out how to go from Skeletor and not be a tubbo!

Saturday I have an outing to Lake Geneva with my sister and her friend Mary, who I can't wait to meet!!!!

Have a Blessed weekend my Prayer Warriors....you ALL can take credit for my progress and for any blessing I have received in my Cancer Fight...

I hope you all can truly believe what Your commitment of prayer in my name has done for me. I am proof of what the power of prayer can do.

XOXOX Peggy

One Week In the Life of "Semi-Colons"

2009-11-10T07:51:00.002-06:00

I particpate on the Colon Cancer Message Board at the American Cancer Society site. It is an incredible community of support and information for people in the trenches of a specific cancer.

I thought the following post sums it up nicely: Thanks Rob

As I remember my many friends here in this community I am overwhelmed by what we collectively face in any given week.

This week we will undergo surgery to reverse an ileostomy. We will stand by the hospital bedside of a mother in Italy, and a brother with bone mets. We will recover from surgery and regain health.

This week we will report for radiation and Chemo, for Oxy, Irinotecan, 5FU, Avastin, and Erbitux in various combinations.

We will suffer the side-effects and mitigate them as best possible with lotions, pain-killers, anti-emetics, and other tricks.
This week we will be PET scanned, CT Scanned, Bone scanned, x-rayed, scoped, and blood-tested every which way. We will wait for results. We will share and celebrate the good news and we will share and lament the bad.

This week we will search for new doctors and solicit second opinions. We will consult pain specialists. We will research new treatments and discover new possibilities. We will adjust to new realities and hope for better days ahead.

This week we will accompany our loved ones with cancer to various appointments and we will continue to walk with them through the ups and downs of the week.

This week we will be massaged and accupunctured. We will receive healing touch and reiki. We will meditate and pray, we will celebrate birthdays, and we will juice!

In whatever it is you face this week, I wish for you...

"Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Hugs when spirits sag,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Friendships to brighten your being,Confidence for when you doubt,
Hope in times of despair,
Courage to know yourself,Patience to accept the truth,
Love to complete your life.”

Pet Scan Reults Are In- Prayers answered!

2009-11-07T05:33:00.004-06:00

Dr. Lo called me last night to let me know the preliminary findings:

NO NEW cancer growth seen in the body; no growth of liver tumors.

I will get these scans sent to Dr. Benson at Northwestern for a 2nd Opinion and the Loyola Team will meet in the next week or so to discuss surgical/treatment options.

This next phase of treatment I fear will be wrought with confusion and anxiety and "Which way to go" in terms of making choices and decisions on treatments. What will be in MY hands? What is out of my control? Will the treatments be effective, continue the miracle and bring me to my most sacred prayer....long-term Survival?

As always my beloved Prayer Warriors...THANK YOU

XOXOX

PET Scan Today- Anxious

2009-11-06T05:57:00.003-06:00

I go for a PET Scan this morning. This imaging differs from CAT scan because it's looking for "live" cancer activity, as opposed to the flat images of a CAT scan. I'll see Dr. lo next Wed and she'll go over the results.

Will my progress continue? Will there be good news or bad? It's such a stressful time waiting for any test results - will I dodge a bullet this time?

Your mind plays terrible games- either you just don't think about it at all OR you start playing out scenarios.

My prayer for today: That the PET Scan shows NO new cancer lurking ansywhere and that my tumors are shrunken sooo much that my Cancer Team can begin planning my next tumor-resection surgery.

XOXO Peggy

Yippee skippee- Another Answered Prayer

2009-11-04T06:47:00.003-06:00

My undies were in a bundle at the thought of having to endure an NG tube, or WORSE another operation. Alas, prayers answered.

I didn't have a bowel obstruction, but most likely a twisted bowel or pinched bowel that resolved itself this time. Docs can't be 100% certain, however the surgeon and resident both said that they see this with their chemo patients - bowel mobility is compromised.

Here's hoping for a pain-free, hospital-free future. Except, of course, when I can have my miracle-producing suurgery that will rid my body of the evil tumors!

XOXOX
Hats off to my AWESOME Prayer Warriors.. IT WORKS

Yet ANOTHER HospitalAdmission

2009-11-02T16:57:00.002-06:00

Just when I've turned the corner in terms of energy and fatigue, BAM another challenge rears its ugly head.

Sunday morning I had a sudden onset of twisting, cramping upper abdominal pain. It lasted for about an hour and then subsided. I thought it was a weird form of gas, but it was similar to the location and pain I had in September with the bowel obstruction.

I had a pain-free rest of the day. Monday Morning: After a bowl of Corn Flakes, the same pain reared it's ugly head and was much worse than before. Relentless, twisting pain. I thought it would subside like it did before, but it did not let up.

I had Lee take me to Elmhurst Hospital instead of Loyola because I didn't think I could stand the longer ride to Loyola and I was counting on the fact that Elmhurst ER could get me in quicker and I could at least get x-rays done before going to Loyola. Lee had to cancel his business trip for Tues./Wed. I feel terrible.

I am now at Loyola, drinking that chalky contrast liquid to get a Cat Scan. the pain is gone, but who knows if it'll show up again tomorrow.

My prayer is that the bowel untwists itself on its own so i don't need surgery OR the dreaded NG tube. I have been crying and panicking all day at the thought of getting that horrible tube crammed in my nose and throat.

I have to tell you, I am SICK & Tired of these hospital excursions. These interruptions affect my chemo and future treatments and healing.

Thanks Prayer Warriors, I'll keep you all posted

XOXOX

Peggy

Annointing of the Sick

2009-10-28T09:04:00.005-05:00

Father Tony, my Pastor at Mary Queen of Heaven, came over yesterday to talk, pray and give five me the Annointing of the Sick. I always feel so good after a visit with Father Tony.

He's an incredible man, with energy and enthusiasm and endless kindness. He's so good for our Parish. He really knows how to lead a congregation, and he is a great teacher. Straight forward and straight talk.

He indulged me by letting me take a picture of him in front of our scary haunted graveyard. I told him he performed an Exorcism on my Cancer!!!

Joy Rising -

2009-10-26T07:29:00.003-05:00

Take a look at this video. The Black eyed Peas performed their hit song "I Got A Feeling" for Oprah's anniversary Show. As a surprise, the producers managed to get 10,000 audience members to perform a "Flash Mob" dance. An entire army of strangers came together to learn a dance to surprise and delight a person they admire.

You, my dear prayer warriors are MY Flash Mob. You all come together in prayer for my healing. How blessed am I?

Listen to the words of this song - "I got a feeling, that today's gonna be a good day.." I always need to remember to HONOR the power of your prayers and support and to invoke the spirit of the song- "..today's gonna be a good day.."

One person described the feeling he got from watching the Flash Mob Dance as "Joy Rising", I agree.

XOXOX

Peggyhttp://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090908-tows-flash-mob-dance

The Erbatux Ugly Stick Strikes Again

2009-10-22T07:27:00.002-05:00

Now that I'm back on chemo after the post surgery hiatus, the one drug - Erbatux - has christened me once again with that nasty rash all over my face- red, tight, itchy, ugly. But, that reaction does mean that the drug is "working".

I don't look in the mirror very often, so when I do, I am sometimes taken aback by what I see. I don't "dwell" on all the changes that Cancer and Chemo have done to my body, but it is sometimes a shock:

Emaciated: Cancer skinny is just plain ugly. There is no joy being under 100 lbs, hard, bony and saggy skin. I used to be doughy and curvy now I'm all hard angles. I miss my regular clothes, although it was mostly work clothes.

How Dry I Am: Chemo does a number on your skin. It's sooooo dry and itchy. Sandpaper texture.

Hair? I haven't lost all the hair on my head but it's pretty sparse. I wear doo-rags most of the time and my wig. I look like Beetle Juice or Krusty the Klown. My eyebrows have gotten really course and my eyelashes have grown, which seems odd. I'm still on the fence about shaving my head. If it's decided I'll be on several more rounds of Chemo after my Pet Scans November 6th, then I might just shave it all.

It's just so hard to recognize myself sometimes. I know I'm still "me", I know people don't see me the way I see myself, it's just a shock sometimes.

On another note: 2 more weeks of Chemo then the PET and CAT Scans the 1st week of November.

My prayers for the week: to overcome the slight nausea and other gastro issues I'm having the past few days; to get my butt in gear and tackle the mounds of medical paperwork.

XOOX

Peggy

Cancer Crossroads

2009-10-15T05:58:00.002-05:00

I started my 11th Cycle of Chemo and met with Dr. Lo, my oncologist. After Cycle 12, I will be getting another CAT scan and a Pet Scan.

As DR Lo put it, I am at a crossroads. What procedures and targeted therapies would be reommended? But at the end of the day, even though there are "options", when you're dealing with Cancer, it's all a crapshoot. There are NO guarantees Cyberknife will work vs Radio Frequency Ablation. Every patient is different and responds differently.

Given the fact that I'm Stage 4 with tumors all over my liver, not nice and isolated in one lobe, I've been "lucky" thus far, with my tumors shrinking and good response to Chemo.

But where do I go from here? There are lots of questions and fear and confusion and decisions on the horizon, my Damn Cancer better sit up, pay attention and get the hell out of my body!!!!!

I actualy felt "normal" yesterday

2009-10-14T07:33:00.002-05:00

6 weeks post surgery and I'm finally feeling somewhat "normal".

I did 2 unexciting but "normal" things:

I made Spaghetti Sauce - I haven't cooked much since being diagnosed, so this was a biggie. My favorite food I make is my homemade sauce, too bad it doesn't taste so great for me BUT me and the girls and my brother Kevin actually sat down together and had a meal! We talked, we laughed, the girls bugged each other...BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

I went to the grocery store - I hate grocery shopping, and Lee or Colleen have been doing that chore for the past 7 months, but yesterday, somehow, I felt normal. Although the cashier that's been there for years asked me if I've been sick, since she hadn't seen me in so long. Well, yes, you could say that.

Nothing else of note this week. Although I am contemplating a somewhat big purchase- a Cricut die-cutting machine. I'm getting back into Scrapbooking and this does-it-all tool is calling my name. Costco is having a good deal on a bundle and I've gone there twice to just look at it. I'm ususally more decisive and just go for it but.......$$$

Have a GREAT Week my Prayer Warriors!

XOXOX Peggy

Gratitude

2009-10-07T10:14:00.005-05:00

It's been 7 months since my Diagnosis of Colon Cancer. Surgery, Ilesotomy challenges, several ER trips, bowel obstruction, NG tubes and hospital stays...I'm still here. I don't think one can ever be "prepared" to face life challenges, hell, if we knew what we were in for, most of us would go hide in a corner sucking our thumbs for the rest of our lives.

One thing I am trying to always keep in the forefront of my mind is Gratitude. Now, many people refer to their journey's as "The Gift of Cancer"- meaning that the illness opened up their hearts and minds and they received so many gifts in the face of a terrible illness. I, personally think that is a contrite, cheesy, awful way to describe this terrible disease. Let's call a spade a spade folks, Cancer sucks.

What this journey has taught me is the absolute beauty of people- the givers, the doers, the casserole makers, and most of all the Prayer Warriors. I continue to be amazed at the wide circle of people who continue to pray for me. Not only my immediate friends an family, of course, but friends of my parents and in-laws, the kids of the friends of my parents, my church Community, past work colleagues, and the list goes on and on.

One of my most recent and beautiful gifts is from a woman from my Parish that heard about my illness. I don't know her personally, but our kids go to school and choir together. She made a trip to Lourdes last month and carried a medal of mine with her, had it blessed, lit an eternal candle for me and brought me back lots of Lourdes Water! She did that for me, a stranger! so overwhelming and beautiful a gesture.

I think what's overwhelming is that with each act of kindness, I often ask myself what I did to deserve this circle of prayer. I'm no extraordinary person. I'm not overly involved in any volunteer or community services. So how did I get so blessed?

I may never know the answer, but I DO know the power of prayer, and how it is continuing to heal me.

For each and every one of my Angels, I pray that God bestows on you the grace and blessings you have so freely given me.

XOXOXOX

Peggy

My Baby's Last HS Homecoming

2009-10-04T09:24:00.003-05:00

Last night was York's Homecoming. Colleen went with a group of friends, Is she beautiful or what?????

Good News

2009-10-01T14:45:00.004-05:00

Went for my first round of Chemo yestearday after an 8-week break. As I mentioned before, kind of a nervous feeling wondering if the break in chemo allowed any cancer to re-grow or spread. Well....

According to my latest bloodtest, my tumor marker, CRE, which was at 1400 In March when I was diagnosed, is now down to 2! Yes 2! It was 5.5 when I stopped Chemo in August. So this shows that while the chemo will leave your bloodstream in 24 hours, it stays in your CELLS and is cummulative.

So far the plan is I get 3-4 more rounds of chemo. Then a PET scan to see if any live cancer activity lurking in the liver or elsewhere i suppose. If no live activity, then the Team will come up with plan- liver reseaction, targeted chemo, RFA etc....I'm guessing after the 1st of the year we'll have an idea.

Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers!!!! You are ALL responsible for my progress and healing! XOXOXOX Peggy

Return To Chemo

2009-09-30T06:50:00.002-05:00

I'm starting back on my Chemo treatments today. It's been about 2 months almost since my last chemo. Between the 2 hospitilizations in august and the infected portacatheter, my shrinky-juice regiment fell by the wayside.

In one way, I'm glad to get back on chemo so I can continue killing my tumors. part of me is scared that the hiatus caused some cancer to return or grow. Nothing I can do about it, sadly, but get back in the game.

It's been nice not having mouth sores or finger and heel fissures. It's also nice not having to deal with the poo-pouch anymore. The reconnection is not as bad as I feared. Not great, but not as bad.

Have a great week my praying warriors. Please know I continue to cherish the support and strength I get from all your prayers and good wishes

XOXOXO Peggy

Images of Illness

2009-09-26T11:06:00.003-05:00

I know I'm kind of wierd to take pictures of my war wounds, but it's part of my journey- the scars, the pain, the procedures, the poking, the prodding, the recovering.

Wiggin' Out

2009-09-26T10:56:00.003-05:00

Mom and I went to the wig store yesterday. I have a really small pin-head, so a bit of a challeng finding a "cap" that fit my noggin'. I also confirmed that I look hideous with long hair, even though I've tried to grow it out a few times in the past - never made it past my ears!.

Week three without my Pal (Pouch) and Looking forward to Springsteen Concert

2009-09-19T13:01:00.004-05:00

After a rough couple of days last week, adjustment to being re-hooked in the intetinal department hasn't been too bad. Nothing normal by any means, but pretty quiet thus far. I promise not to report on the details of my Bowel Movements, I'm not old enough for THAT club!

Still sore from surgeries- I dread sneezing as it does a number on my abdominal stitches. Eating enough throughout the day still a challenge, and fighting lethargy too.

Lucky for me, Ruth, my sister-in-law, is making a return visit this Monday to help cart me around while Lee is out of town, and give my parents a break too. Again, I am so very blessed to have such support in my life.

Friday I am going for a Wig Appointment. The hair is just going and going, I look really silly now.

Nothing too exciting. I need to rally, get some energy and get back to chemo in a few weeks. '

I am getting really antsy and annoyed. I just am ready to be "normal" again. It's been 6 months since diagnosis - went kind of fast. I want to do the things I used to bitch about- cook dinner, do the laundry, drive my kids all over town. I feel so lost right now, and bored.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support!

XOXOXO

Good Bye Stumpy & The Magical Poo Pouch

2009-09-11T16:30:00.002-05:00

After 11 days, I'm finally back from the Hospital.
My sister Katie kept you all updated- here is condensed summary:

Two Mondays ago I was admitted to hospital after spending an entire day in the ER (9:30 am thru 6:30 PM) . X-rays revealed no bowel obstruction but a subsequent Cat Scan Did.

2 days later I have surgery to untwist my bowels (the cause of the pain and misery that suddenly came on that Monday), the surgeon also reversed my ileostomy (Stumpy) and put in a central line in my neck since my original portable catheter was taken out.

So, I have one long-ass crooked scar from pelvis to above the belly button. I have the open wound I need to dress each day where my stumpy was and I look like Frankenstein with the central line with three IV connections coming out of my neck.

The heinous procedure I endured was getting an NG tube stuck down my nose and into my throat. This procedure rivals the barium enema, let me tell you. Can you imagine getting a tube, with 2 dangling knobs snaked up your nose, thru the sinuses and into your throat? They heard my screams on the entire 7th floor. It was awful. The reason for the tube was to drain off the bile and whatever was backing up in my bowels due to the obstruction. As a patient with abdominal surgeries, I understand that we are prone to obstructions etc because of scar tissue build up..God I hope this passes me by!

I was also put on IV nutrition- couldn't take anything by mouth- except an ice chip- for over a week. Even though food tastes like crap to me anyway, to not even be able to take a nice sip of liquid is cruel. So now, after not eating solid food for almost 2 weeks, I have to start eating again.

I feel like I'm starting all over again with this food thing. After the last hospitilization and getting my ilesotomy output under contril, I was gaining weight and eating more. Now I have a new set of things to deal with because of the reversal. I just hope my tranition from bag lady to normal plumbing hook up is not as bad as I fear.

Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers. It''ll be a few weeks till I get back on chemo and tumor attack mode. I have a new portacath on my left side now. So I have 4 new scars on this old body of mine!

XOXOXO

Peggy

2009-09-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

Hello All,

I spoke to Peg this morning. The last couple of days have not been pretty(I'll let Peg provide the details when she is back on line as only she can and I don't want to.) but her recovery is going as expected by her doctor. Now she just needs to start eating solid foods today so they can see how she reacts and remove the feeding line. If that goes well she should be out of the hospital Thursday or Friday.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I believe they are making the difference.

Katie

2009-09-03T09:53:00.003-05:00

Goodmorning,

Surgery to reverse Peg's ostemy and correct the blockage went very well. She says she feels like she was hit by a truck today but otherwise she sounded pretty good when I talked to her. The stoma remains open to heal closed on its own and she has a new incision above her belly button. They also added a place to give her nutrition so they can fatten her up a bit. It doesn't sound like she will be back on chemo for a couple of weeks and they'll have to put in a new port since the first one was infected and had to be removed. That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Katie

2009-09-02T09:05:00.004-05:00

Hi Everyone,

I'm updating the blog today because Peg has been in the hospital since Monday. I'll give you the facts and of course she can put her colorful spin on it when she has a chance.

She was in a great deal of pain once again. After a CAT scan they determined there is some kind of a blockage they need to fix. A tube had to be put down her throat or nose (Mom was there so I'm not certain on that detail but she said it was an awful experience for Peg and there were a lot of F-Bombs dropped through it all) to remove anything in her system that was trying to get through. Relief. Surgery required to repair blockage and surgeon wants to reverse ostimey at the same time. Oncologist disagrees because she wants to do radiation. Surgeon says not enough evidence that radiation is necessary. Radiologist also agrees that radiation is not the way to go. Hmm..what's a girl to do. Decision time. Surgery at 10:00 am to fix blockage and reverse ostimey. Peg will be in the hospital through the weekend. Keep you posted.

Continued prayers requested to get this wonderful sister of mine to a complete recovery.

Katie

I'm Sad Today

2009-08-29T11:05:00.004-05:00

My hair is really really thinning now. You can see my scalp. I'm so sad. I didn't think I'd mind losing my hair as long as it's in the pursuit of Life. Well, I take it back, I DO mind. It's a visual, outward reminder of my Cancer.

I HATE YOU CANCER, from the bottom of my heart and soul I HATE YOU

Delay on New Porta-Cath

2009-08-28T07:49:00.003-05:00

Dr. Lo put me on a new antibiotic to attack the infection from my original porta-cath that I had taken out on Tuesday. The site is still really tender and sore and of course there's a big gaping opening that I have to irrigate and pack everyday. So, I'm waiting for a reschedule to put my new port in. So after this port is removed some day after Chemo, I will have "eyebrow" scars on each side of my upper chest. If I can get my deflated boobs lifted, I'd really have a wierd face on my torso!

That reminds me, I better take pain meds now before I attempt re-packing.

Nothing else to report or bitch or moan about, except needing to attack insurance company, hospital bills etc!!!!

Have a great weekend My God Squad And Angels!!!!!

Like Rosanne, Rosanna-Danna Said "It's Always something"!

2009-08-26T06:25:00.002-05:00

Spent 6 hours at my 2nd Home- Loyola Hospital. ended up getting my porta-catheter removed. I will have to pack the open incision every day so it heals from inside to outside- just like my midline incision for origianl surgery.

Friday I will get a new porta-cath inserted on my left side- gotta keep the Chemo going.

What a Week!

Dang, Can I get a Break Please?

2009-08-25T07:46:00.002-05:00

Now there IS an infection in my portable catheter. It started heating up yesterday- you can feel a mushy bubble over the catheter- like it needs to be drained.

I really don't want to spend another damn day in the hospital..I left a message for the Nurse in Oncology to advise.

Crap

Monday Update

2009-08-24T11:55:00.004-05:00

A slight change of plans. I am planning on NOT getting the ileostomy reversal next week.
The medicine I've been on since getting out of the Hospital are kicking in and slowing the plumbing down. This is a good thing. The primary reason Dr Shoup wants to do the reversal is getting my plumbing back in tact to slow down output. If in fact it all slows down and I have no diarrhea, then my nutrition and weight gain should kick in. HOWEVER, one of the biggest adjustments to getting colon and bowels re-hooked is a constant diarrhea. So much so that Depends is a must, and you are a slave to the bathroom all day. For the lucky ones - 40%? the adjustment is 2-4 months. For the majority, it is 9 months to beyond a year.

That possibility of me being in the majority defeats the purpose of reversal. IF I continue to have high output, at least it's in my "pouch", doesn't cause me pain and I can retain my current quality of life. Now, my digestive track is short, so things move quickly anyway with this ileostomy, but I'm of the mindset to put this off until after chemo and any surgeries, so I can deal with the side effects singulalry, instead of in the midst of chemo etc.

Radiation Therapy - Talking with my oncologist, she wasn't sure why an appt was set up with radiologist, as it's not for SURE they would radiate me. I'm assuming it's just a meet & greet and consultation. I have tons of concerns on radiation - collateral damage to nearby organs, brittle bone syndrome, etc... Update: I just spoke with the surgeon, and she's fine with me waiting on reversal. She thinks when I get liver resection, she'll reverse it then. Also, she told me that Radiation isn't what her and the Radiologist want to do. Dr. Lo, my oncologist is the one that is Pro-radiation, to boost the chance of non-recourrence in my rectum/colon. Dr. Shoup, the surgeon says that there is no data that clearly shows preventative radiation prevents reocurrence. I'll consult with Dr. Benson in Sept on these items.

Liver resection - while it's still great news that surgery is a possibility, the oncologist stressed that because there are tumors on both lobes, it would probably be surgery on one of the lobes, with other therapies for the other lobes. Again, can't cut up all lobes of liver or I'd have no liver.

So that's all I know for now.

My current issue is to get my portacath site in line- the rash is slowly going away but the soreness and pain upon touch is not in the slightest. Wednesday they will see if nurse can access port, if so, I get the full chemo, otherwise, probably just the Erbatux again. Who'd ever believe they WANT to get back to chemo?? It's an odd world we Cancer folks live in, but there it is.

Blessings to all my revered praying angels

XOXOXO

Peggy

Julie & Julia- the Move: Someone with NO tastebuds should NOT watch this movie

2009-08-22T19:40:00.002-05:00

It was a lovely movie. Made me want to go out and make all of Julia Child's Recipies. I was salivating at all the food. Too bad I can't taste a thing. Really a dumb move. But I also love watching Food Network.

I have lots of food to look forward to when chemo is over some day!

God is Great, GOd is Good, Let Us Thank Him for This News!!!

2009-08-21T09:08:00.002-05:00

Got a call from Dr. Shoup, my surgeon yesterday to call her back this morning. Part of me was dreading possible "bad news".

Here's the News:

there was a conference held at Loyola with all the Gastro Intestinal staff- surgeons, oncologists etc... and they discussed my case and determined:

1. Reverse My Ileostomy (bye bye poo pouch) I have so much output that it keeps me from gaining weight and I get dehydrated. I dread the post-reversal Depends moments, but hey, whatever helps the cause. The surgeon has an opeing a week from Monday. 2 days in the hospital.

2. My Liver is Resectable!!! - The Doctors took a further look at my recent Cat Scans and said some of the tumors CAN be surgically removed because they've shrunk enough! Remember, I had 2 very large masses on my liver, then once they shrunk, other tumors were revealed on all 3 lobes of my liver, making it impossible to do surgery.

I am stunned at the good news but oh so Grateful!

I have to thank all you warriors who have been in this fight with me from the very beginning- I know what answered prayer is, many times over, but this is a BIGGIE!!

Keep on praying my Angels- the power of your prayers is WORKING

XOXOXO

Peggy

Just Another Day in Paradise

2009-08-20T09:30:00.002-05:00

My current challenge: I have a really high output into my ileostomy bag. I drink 8 ozs and 6 oz comes out almost immediately. Since I was in the hospital, they were tracking this very closely. I was outputting 1000 ccs by noon, when acceptable range is 1500 per day.

thus, the dehydration and weight challenges. They tried a mix of Lomodil and Opium tincture 2 days in the hospital to slow it down. Didn't work. They upped the Opium dosage when I got home and KNOCK ON WOOD - it "seems" to be slowing it down.

What I pray for, is that the drugs work, because next step would be an IV feeding tube. I can't go there folks. Failure not an option. The Gastro Intestinal Cancer team is meeting today and will discuss my case to come up with plan. They need me stable and strong to keep on with chemo then Radiation.

Radiation- the word just scares me. The Breast Cancer ladies say it's a cake-walk compared to chemo and it's side effects. However, won't be the case for me, due to location. I mean, come on, I'm gonna get poison lasered up my Butt. Sores, fistulas, rashes, pain in the rectal area is different than your arm or armpit, you can still sit and lay down and walk with a scabby armpit.

I have to try and not get worked up about it. Lee keeps saying that this is the price to pay to get healed from the cancer. And that's the goal.

Another bump in the road- I got a rash all around my porta-cath- the exact size of the bandage covering. I can't get the 3 primary chemo drugs in my arm, only via port. So please lift a prayer that this rash heals and DOESN'T turn into an infection, I need to get back on full chemo cycles.

Other than that, just another day in Cancer Paradise!

XOXOX Peggy

Public Service Announcement: Take care of your Gastro Intestinal Health OR you will have to get a Barium Enema

2009-08-18T20:11:00.005-05:00

Yipppe Skippy, I'm finally out of the Hospital. I will give particular updates in another post, but this is my PSA to tell all readers to take care of your BUTT. If you dare to read on and aren't too offended by my candor, I hope my tale will inspire you to take care of all things leading to your Hineys!

OK, so I have this pain in the ass, constant, miserable, blah, blah, blah. The Dr. wants to perform a Barium Enema so they can get better pix on the nether region to see if I have any blockages or fistulas. I had no idea what to expect.

I have to lay down on a table that is an x-ray machine. I'm in a flimsy hospital gown, I'm skeleton skinny and every bone was digging into the table. Ah, comfortable!
So I ask the Devil Incarnate(enema giver) what to expect:

" Well, we insert this probe (think a straw with a thick eraser on top), 7 cm up the butt, then inflate a balloon in the rectum so the probe stays and we can get pictures. It will be "uncomfortable". I should have known I was doomed.

I was very anxious and started crying, I was just sick of everything. He started the insertion and from there, it was one long excruciating pain. I was already hyperventilating, which causes my fingers and toes to get numb and "lock up" unable to uncramp them. The Devil Incarnate than proceeds to inflate balloon. Another howling bout of pain. Then he started to get the barium liquid going....pain, pain and more pain..then -POP!, the probe and balloon fall out my ass.

After deep breathing and trying to get subdued - I said to the Devil - "Now what? Do I have to go thru this again?"

They got my nurse down from the floor and had her give me 2 doses of morphine. DIDN'T touch the pain one iota!

I get myself some what together and they do it all again. I had to bite down on a towel to keep my screams at bay. One of the attending techs sat next to me, held my hand and let me scratch and squeeze the living hell out of her! It was hideously painful. The worst I've experienced yet. ( I thought my prep for colonoscopy was the worst, this beat it 500%) The kind of pain you wish on mortal enemies and child abusers. I told them to take it out, I'm not going thru this again.

Well, luckily they got enough xrays to determine if I had blockages and leaks- All good.

I told every Dr and Resident that did rounds, they MUST go thru a colonoscopy prep and a barium enema as part of their training. And I was dead serious.

I'm almost certain that the pain I'm having is due to old poop in the colon trying to get out. After a regular enema the next day, I passed an oldie. Pain gone. I did another today, pain returned. Something's trying to hide,and then get out of my system.

So if you suffered thru my description of the Barium Enema, you are a brave soul. Hope it wasn't too gross.

Remember people: Eat fiber (fruits, veggies and whole grains), 30 mins of activity each day and pay attention to ANY changes in your gastro intestinal issues. I thought I had hemorrhoids, not freaking colon cancer! Take care of your BUTTS!!!!

Peggy

Blip in the Road- Admitted to Hospital

2009-08-14T11:26:00.004-05:00

I've been in Loyola since Wednesday afternoon. If you're interested here's the clinical details:

Tuesday I started having output from my butt - that's supposed to be out of commission, as I'm on an ileostomy. The Dr.was thinking this was unusual and wanted me to go to ER. After 6 hours, and some xrays, they determined that it was just some old stuff" wanting to escape, and they saw no blockages or fistulas.

The frequency of wanting to "eliminate" slowed down and then Bam, on Wed it started all over again on my way to Chemo. Lots of pain and urgency, so Dr. Lo postponed chemo, consulted with Dr. Shoup, my surgeon, and had me admitted.

MRI shows that I have some leakage from my ileo into the colon- the contrast liquid they give you to light up your organs was found in my colon.

So now it's a mystery as to why:
do I have a fistula? When tissue from to adjoining organs kind of fuse together? They haven't seen it on the scans, but the Dr. stated that it doesn't mean there isn't one.

Is it just leftover junk in my colon?

My other issue is the amount of liquid output in my pouch. My potassium and electrolytes are too low because of how much I'm losing thru diarrhea.

So, my prayer for this week is: Dear God, please let my doctors find a definitive answer to my painful output problems. Even more urgent, is for a way to slow down my output and keep me from having to go on a high dose drug with lots of side effects (tincture of opium) OR the worst would be doing IV nutrition. I pray that the lower spectrum drugs can slow down my output and loss of electrolytes.

Love to all my angels

Peggy

UPDATE: Damn, I have to stay another day! The gastrograph film test they want to take can't be done today, MAYBE Satruday if not Monday. Do I have stay in the hospital all weekend? I think the prep they do has to be done at hospital. This totally sux.

Busy week Ahead

2009-08-08T10:05:00.002-05:00

My brother Pat and his son Kevin will be in Chicago this coming week. Katie, his daughter flew in yesterday and will be here a few days as well. Looking forward to spending time with them. Also attending Jordan's High School Grad party today. Then tomorrow my angel Julie and her family will be over for lunch. Lot's of family and love this week!!!!

Monday- Downtown with the nieces for Architectural Tour on the Chicago River. It's also my sister Kate's B-day!

I'll be attending a talk at Gilda's House (Gilda Radner from SNL) led by Colorectal Cancer Expert Dr. Al Bensen. I want to hear about current treatments. The exciting thing is that I have an appt. with him the very next day for a 2nd opinion! Trish Simon, a friend of my Sister's friend Linda, is fighting colon cancer that has metastasized as well. She is younger than me, but what a fighting spirit she has. She used her connections to get me an appt with Dr. Bensesn at Northwestern. I am so greatful to Trish.

I still don't have my medical records yet, which worry me. I need to put the pressure on to get them so Dr Bensen can review before Aug 14th.

I'm scared but anxious to start the 2nd opinion process. Some Dr's are very blunt and lays it out on the line- the good and the bad. I want to stay in a "good" hopeful place. But that's purely up to me.

I also have to tackle the paper work to apply for Long term Disability benefits- what a pain in the butt. My job has been eliminated at C&W, and with weekly chemo treatments and upcoming radiation, which is 5 days a week, I am limited in my ability to work, along with the side effects of chemo.

Chemo update and Scan Results

2009-08-05T20:24:00.003-05:00

My scan showed further shrinkage of the larger masses in my liver. A slight reduction, not the 40-50% range after first scan. It's a bummer in my mind, but Dr. Lo still satisfied with my chemo progress.

I asked a bunch of questions today-

1) Would it be possible or more proactive to try a targeted therapy to my liver tumors instead of waiting it out for chemo to lose it's efficacy? Reply: stay on chemo as long as working, for best results

2) How many colon cancer patients are you currently treating? Reply: 10; She treats a high number of breast cancer. Which I can see, most of my connections and people at Chemo are Breast Cancer.

3) Colon cancer is now 2nd leading cancer diagnosis of late. Does the Loyola Cancer practice represent that stat in it's patient base? Reply: Yes

4) Why aren't cancer patients, or Me not eligible for Liver transplant: Reply: Very risky; new livers have a high occurrence of getting cancer. so a waste of a healthy organ

So I am in process of getting 2nd and 3rd opinion lined up.. waiting on getting hard copies of medical records. Just want to hear other experts.

My CEA marker reduced again from 9.9 to 7.5.

Clarifications around some of the smaller tumors which is a good sign that they are "drying up" as Dr.Lo put it.

So all in all, positive results.

I am convinced that to win the Battle, 90% is my will, my attitude and the Abundant Blessings I receive from my God Squad and angels network of friends, friends of friends, family etc..
Bless you All.

One prayer request: My childhood next door neighbor, Wendy, lost Both her parents in a span of 3 weeks. Her dad from dialysis complications, and her Mom, this past Sunday, from cardiac arrest 3 days after her triple bypass. Wendy and her mom were best friends. I ask for strength and healing while she processes these losses so cruelly at the same time.

XOXO Peggy

The Blessings of Blogging

2009-08-02T13:57:00.003-05:00

My middle-of-the-night insomnia gives me lots of time to think, in fact I can't turn it off, ergo the insomnia. One thing that I always think about is what I'm going to post next in my blog.

I worry if I have anything noteworthy to say that day or that week. Will it be one of my sassy, "I will fight this damn cancer" posts, or a funny poo-pouch blow-out, or a Gratitude, or "this chemo crap is annoying me" ?

Well, it's all of the above, and then some. Blogging about my Cancer journey has been a therapeutic endeavor. For people who know me, my voice is loud and clear via the writing- I write pretty much how I speak. That is what is connecting me to my followers.

I'm also very flattered by the feedback I get, both on the blog and through email, that they love reading my entries, feel my strength in the Cancer battle and that I'm, "inspirational". well, inspirational isn't how I would describe myself, as I'm still trying to find out how to manage all the "life lessons" and blessings and emotions that go along with my illness. I do love the fact that my friends and family can be a part of my journey via the Blog.

All I can say is that I blog what I feel and what I think, the good bad and the ugly.

Goodbye Hair

2009-08-02T12:51:00.003-05:00

Dang, my hair is really thinning. A lot of hair came out today after I brushed it. I'm all scalpy. It makes me look old and frail - a weak mane, a fragile white scalp.

I ask the Good Lord to help me accept it.

Received a beatiful letter from an old friend today

2009-08-01T12:25:00.002-05:00

I received a beautiful letter from Tim Freer, a Marquette friend and classmate. I actaully went to a dance with him, and in Peggy fashion, fell in the bathtub where all the beers were on ice. Not one of my finer moments! His colleagues were going down memory lane and "whatever happened to..?" and googled/facebooked my name and found my Facebook and this blog.

He then reached out and wrote me a great letter full of incredibly touching support, details of his college buddies and his family and career as Judge, in Riverside, California.

I was moved to tears. That this busy man took the time to write me and tell me he and his wife and staff are part of my "team" of prayers is just beyond humbling.

I will of course write to him and express my overwhelming gratitude. I did call Kirsten, my college friend who blessed me last week by coming from Milwaukee to Elmhurst to spend a few precious hours with me. Kirsten was at the Marquette reunion last week and we also brought up Tim and his sister Camille.

So, once again, the love and blessings are abundant in my life. I am so humbled.

XOXOX Peggy

Yippee Skippy- I gained weight! Just Call Me Lard-Ass!

2009-07-28T20:53:00.003-05:00

Went for IV fluid infusion today and went to get weighed and vitals taken. I have some nasty sores on my feet, so it hurts to walk (sores are side effects of chemo) so the Nurse had me sit in a chair-type scale. I was 99 lbs last week and this scale said 105 lbs.

"no way, I said to the nurse. Weigh me on the regular scale. 105 lbs. I grabbed the nurse and hugged her. "My family will be so happy I gained weight"

I think the social outings this weekend helped me to eat more than usual, and I was a bit more conscious of forcing myself to eat. So, even though food tastes - tasteless" and my mouth still hurts, I DID it. I just have to keep going!

XOXOXO Peggy

Saturday's Doings

2009-07-26T09:41:00.003-05:00

Kate took me to get hydrated at the hospital Saturday morning, then we did some errands. I rested up a bit then went up to Evanston, for the Driscoll girls get-together at Karen LaPato Felix's home in Evanston. What a great evening we had- sooooo easy to be with such a wonderful band of women and their equally delightful husbands!

My Converstaion with God today

2009-07-24T14:39:00.004-05:00

I don't want this post to bum anybody out, but it's on my mind so I thought I'd share.

I had a good run of errands today with mom, then took a walk, now that I'm feeling better. Getting dehydrated is more debilitating than I think.

Anyway, on my walk, I had some prayerful talk with God.

"Dear God, I WILL not die from this cancer. No freakin way. I need 20 years, 20 years to see my baby girls on their paths, paths I hope me, Lee and of course YOU, will guide them .

I will not be one of those 5-year survival stats. I DO not want to be a sad story at the end of it all. I need to live, to thrive and figure out YOUR purpose for me though all this. Please give me the time to do it, I will do you proud, just show me the way.

YOU NEED ME to be your soldier, to minister in whatever way you want me to. I ask for this, and it may be selfish, but I promise not to disappoint."

AMEN

2009-07-24T08:08:00.001-05:00

2009-07-24T07:55:00.002-05:00

Just a little update on my past week. I was weak and tired last week, so when I went in for my Erbatux infusion, they looked at me and said "Let's just get you hydrated and skip chemo today" What's happenings I'm losing so much liquid through my ileostomy pouch- it leaves me as soon as I drink. So when I was getting an IV, I had a nutritionist comes down. She told me to make a Hydration solution of 1 lite water, 3 tbs of sugar and 1 tsp of salt. Add Crystal lite
if needed. I think it's starting to help. It tastes better than plain water and makes me thirsty so I think I'm drinking more. I also need to pump immodium.

So I went for full chemo on Thursday, with IV hydration on Saturday, plus taking my pump off(the 48-hour folfuri chemo infusion)

Over the weekend, we went to Art & Mindy's house in Mokena for our annual swimming party. It was cold and damp. but the kids managed to make use of the pool. It was soooo great seeing everyone and I did my usual "shopping" in Mindy's Sample closet - she reps several clothing lines. I scored 3 great sweaters for the fall- super cute!

I've got a heavy schedule of Hospital visits this coming week- Chemo, Cat Scan and IV infusions.

Oh and good news, my CRE (tumor marker) blood count went down again from last weeks 11.9 to this weeks. 9.9. That simply means I'm still responding positively to chemo. It doesn't mean that when it gets to ZERO, the tumors are gone. BUT, hopefully after this next Pet Scan, the oncology team will start discussing other target options - do I stay on current chemo regimen? They say they will change the regimen when it stops being affective. So who knows how long.

Have a great weekend

XOXOXOX Peggy

My Support Group Girls- The Best There Is

2009-07-17T09:24:00.004-05:00

After just a few sessions with the Women with Cancer Support Group at Wellness House, I am hooked on the strength, passion, drive, determiniation and fight that these lovely women have and share with each other.

This is women at their finest: sharing, supporting, and caring on a level that can't be matched!

I can see how this support group energizes me the day after chemo and puts a spring in my step just for having shared an hour & 1/2 of loving support in our collective fight in the nasty, evil Cancer War.

A Bounty of Blessings - Can you say Martha Stewart?

2009-07-17T09:04:00.003-05:00

Another Angel was sent to me and my family in the form of Janice Marion. She flew in from California, took over my mom's kitchen and in 2 days whipped up the following:

Roasted Tomatoe Bisque Soup
Chicken Veggie Soup
Asparagus Soup
Potato Cheese Soup
Brown Rice
Glazed Carrots
Broccoli
Crudites
Home Made Ranch Dressing/Dip
Chicken and Gravy
Noodles
Alfredo Sauce
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Deviled Eggs

She cooked and organized all this food into containers for freezing. Thank goodness we bought a deep freezer a few months ago!

What an INCREDIBLE act of love and generosity. Overwhelming to take in and be the recipient of such kindness and generosity.

Janice is the beautiful Blonde among the sea of brunettes!

Hmm, not sure how to feel about the news

2009-07-15T15:31:00.002-05:00

Went in for myy Erbatux infusion today but also had a blood draw and visit with the Oncologist.

She told me her and the team, including st Shoup, my surgeon looked at my PET Scans and determined that surgery on my liver is NOT an option. The tumors are all over the liver, not concentrated in one area, which, if they tried to cut out the tumors, would leave me with no liver and I am not a candidate for a liver transplant.

So, needless to say, I am bummed that that is off the table. Dr. Lo said there are other options to reduce those tumors non-surgically- radiation and I guess some other targeted procedures. After the next scan, in a month, they will review and look at options.

Not sure if I consider this a setback or bad news because I don't yet know how the other "options" compare to surgery- success wise. It feels "bad" to me at the moment, but I need more information that will give me hope.

An Unexpected Gift Coming My Way

2009-07-11T12:33:00.003-05:00

My godparent's son, Michael Marion and his wife Janice, are especially near & dear to my parents. Janice called my Dad yesterday and said "I'm coming to Chicago Monday thru Wednesday to take care of Peggy, you and Barb take a break"

Jancie and Mike's son, just went through a horrible year of recovery and rehab due to being hit by a Drunk Driver. Michael is doing great, and just got married a few weeks ago. You can see his journey at Caringbridge.com. Michael Marion.

Janice and Michael are 2 of the most beautiful, loving, giving people you'd ever meet. To have them in your lives is a true blessing, I am sure. So here I am, on the receiving end of a gift of love via my parents and their relationship with Michael and Janice, and of course, their Mom, Laura, a most dear friend of my Mom's. I don't have a lot a would need Janice to do, but she's a FANTASTIC cook, which will be a big benefit to Lee and the Girls!!!

The gifts and love just keep raining down on me, I only ask how God wants me to pay it forward!

Keep My Mind on the Prize

2009-07-09T07:45:00.004-05:00

Cycle 7 of full chemo yesterday. Even though I go every week for chemo, they count the Cycles for the full cocktail of drugs I get every other week.

I was very week and fainty yesterday - any exertion made my heart race. Turns out I was a tad dehydrated (too much iced tea? doesn't caffine dehydrate?), so they gave me a bag a fluids before deciding if I can get chemo too. The fluid really helped perk me up and Lee said I looked better- a bit cadevery and gaunt was my morning look.

Bad news- I dropped more weight. That is BAD. I ate 2 corned beef sandwiches this week and thought that would help. Shit, I didn't have as many milkshakes and was eating a brothy soup for meals, so my calories dropped. I need to figure out how I'm going to get 2500 calories in me a day to gain weight. My Mom is on my ass, I better not piss off Babs!!!

Going to Wellness House for Support Group then lunch at Neiman Marcus for a French Dip sammy with cheese. I think I'll go to Williams Sonoma to see if they have any good jarred gravies - I van pour that slop on noodles to help slide down. Who'd think that Cancer is all about Food for me.

Speaking of cancer, my CRE, tumor marker, blood indicator went down again to 13.9, down from 19.9 a few weeks ago. YEAH!!!! Keep shrinking you bastards!

The Doctor mentioned that Radiation to my rectum may be a possibility. Treatment to be done before any surery to resect the liver. Women at the support group say radiation is easier to take than chemo. To me it seems it would be the opposite. But what do I know.

That's it for now- thanks for your continual support and love and prayers, I am in GOOD HANDS my angels!

XOXOX Peggy

Unexpected- Hair Loss

2009-07-07T08:00:00.004-05:00

Wow. I wasn't expecting this. The Doctors said I probably wouldn't lose my hair because of the drugs I'm on.

My hair is definitely "thinner" since being on chemo. What was a visual shocker to me yesterday was the hair in the sink after I dried my hair. I thought it was Colleen's or Michaela's hair- but No, theirs is Long and Curly. These hairs were 2-3 inches and straight.

It didn't register that it was MY hair until later in the evening when I brushed my hair.

Damn, It's Mine!

I have no idea if it'll just keep slowly falling out or come out in clumps. Will it just keep thinning, slowly over the long course of my Chemotherapy? Should I just shave my head now and get it over with? If I'm gonna be thin and patchy, I probably should shave it. We'll just have to wait and see how this plays out.

One more thing to add to the Fugly Stick of Cancer : Face and chest rash, sores on fingers and soles of feet, numbness in fingers/hand, diarreah, weight loss, fatigue, weakness, brain fog, mouth sores, loss of taste, skin as dry as a sandpapered alligator. Makes me want to break out in Maria's "I feel Pretty" from West Side story. Shit

I'm actually scheduled to get my haircut today, I was going to go shorter, for easier maintenance and less bed-head. Now I'm not so sure.

Rash Relief and CornBeef

2009-07-06T17:39:00.007-05:00

Rash: My scabby eyelids and red angry rash has subsided considerably. In fact, it's the best my skin has looked in months. I no longer scare small children when out in public! I don't know if it's because I had a week off from Chemo OR the ointments the dermatologist prescribed. Perhaps a combo of both? Do I dare try and put makeup on or is that pushing it? For someone who loves wearing eye makeup, and who had a 6-month stint as a Lancome Beauty Advisor (ha!) it sure is different being sans make up 24/u7 for the last 4 months. Not that I wore it like Tammy Faye Baker, but I did like to feel "put together" as they say. Ah well, another vanity that must be put aside in the face of more important things like kicking cancer in the Ass!

Food - still a challenge to get the calories in to gain weight. BUT, I had Mom take me to the Prairie Cafe for my chicken noodle soup (not very calorie laden) and I also ate a Cornbeef sammy - almost the entire thing. I dunked it in the soup to make it soft and easy to swallow. My Mom- who is on my ass to eat - was very proud. I purposely called her to take me to lunch so she could witness!

Stumpy and the Magical Poo-Pouch: No embarrassing blow-outs like in the beginning of this cancer crap, but it is annoying to constantly be AWARE of the weight of a full bag hanging off your stomach and in your undies. Also, the new flanges I have - the disks that stick to my stomach and the bag is attached to - are SUPER adhesive. I had a hell of a time trying to take it off the other night. The 'No-sting" adhesive removers burned the ever-loving snot out of my skin. I swear, the disks have super glue on them - it took a half hour and hot rags to loosen the gluey hold on my stomach..OUCH!!!!

Gratitudes: I am grateful for my rash relief, the calories I was able to eat today and as always, my amazing huge loving circle of friends, family and strangers who continue to heal me through prayer, support and service. My neighbor Susan can use a couple prayers for her healing: she had a double mastectomy last week and is now home recuperating. She looks great, they caught the breast cancer early and may even be able to avoid chemo. I hope I can be of service to her during her journey.

XOXO Peggy

Relief

2009-07-03T06:46:00.003-05:00

Saw a dermatologist yesterday who loaded me up with 3 different ointments to attack the Fugly Rash. In just one day, the ugly scaly ick is retreating. YAY!

Dr. Vaitala also did a body check for suspicious moles and ended up biopsying a mole on my left breast and one on my lower back, above my hip. Hopefully, nothing to fret. I was a big old' Baby anticipating the shots to numb the area. I'm so used to and SICK of getting poked every week for Chemo, that more sticking and potential pain just pissed me off. Anyhoo, the needle and the biopsy didn't hurt at all, I kvetched for nothing. YAY!

I went to the Wellness House after the dermatologist. There is a Women's Support group that meets on Thursdays. It's an informal meeting of women with cancer. We just talk, give each other tips on eating, managing side effects, good hospitals vs bad ones, good Oncologists vs bad ones etc.. I've only been there twice thus far, but I can see it as a vital healing element to my journey: women are so good at bonding and talking and putting it out there, such a lifeline. It also energizes me to see these beautiful, mostly bald women talk with such strength and courage. I'm hoping to get stronger and bolder and drive there myself. My Mom had been taking me. I get tired mid-day, and don't trust myself doing a lot of driving yet.

My girls are going up to Stoughton, WI today to stay with Aunt Desi, Lee's sister. They really want to get out of town and get a break from Chemo Mom!
Sunday Lee needs to take me to Fry's Computer Warehouse to get a much-needed replacement PC for the family. Ours is about dead with viruses and other such nonsense.

Happy July 4th Weekend. As Always, my Gratitude to all of my Praying Angels, you have no idea how it heals me !

XOXOX Peggy

Erbatux Sux- Ugly Stick

2009-07-01T13:11:00.003-05:00

So this is what a Chemo Rash looks like. Red, raised, angry, itchy, hot, ugly.

I went for my erbatux Chemo today and also saw Dr. Lo, to see if she can recommend anything about this rash. She gave me the day off of Chemo today, since this cycle was for erbatux, the cause of the rash. I'm going to a dermatologist early tomorrow morning, hoping they have experience with chemo rashes and some relief!

I KNOW I'm going to be one ugly chemo girl for a long time- that's the price you pay in side effects. I am on the road to accepting that - Hell, as long as Chemo SHRINKS the tumors and keeps any other evil from spreading, I can do it.

So, even though the rash is a BOO, a break from weekly chemo is definitley a YAY!!!

Chemo Sucks- Sunburnt Eyes and Heel Sores

2009-06-30T08:06:00.004-05:00

I thought my chemo rash was under control, but this weeend it flared up on and around my EYES. My Eyelids are scaley and tight and hurt and under my eyes is all rashy and itchy and red and tight. It keeps me up at night. Cold cloths don't do the trick. No ointment yet that moisturizes enough to relieve the pain and itch. I have a call into the Oncology nurse, so hopefully some answers. I REALLY don't want to go for Chemo tomorrow, it's the Erbatux drug, which causes the rash in the first place.

I also have some odd sores on my Heels. Hurts to walk.

The cummulative effects of Chemo....not fun.

Girls Rule!

2009-06-26T08:56:00.002-05:00

Last night was spent with my fabulous posse of Grade School/High School friends: Penny, Karen, Julianna, Peggy, Laila and the newly adopted member of the group- Gail!

Penny had a fabulous spread in her beautiful backyard. I can't tell you how much it energizes me and perks me up to spend these monthly get-togethers with these women. Gail commented on how absolutley comfortable it is to be around them and how easy we all just flow into our friendship. As a group in highschool, we never had the drama or fights or anything many of us witness though our children's lives. We seriously never fought about anything -all we cared about was having some laughs and going out and having fun.

Karen gets the prize and kudos for travelling from Evanston to DuPage county the last 3 times. Our next trip will be up to her neck of the woods.

To all my girls, Thank You from the bottom of my heart for coming together and rekindling a 30-year old friendship. It means the world to me and I hope you all get as much joy from it as do!

XOXOX Peggy

Yay/Boo

2009-06-25T05:36:00.003-05:00

My bloodwork for yesterday's summer outing to chemo shows another downward trend in the cancer marker- 19.0 down from 39 two weeks ago. Yippy Skippy Yay!!!! Also, scored a BED instead of a chair yesterday! YAY!!

So, what does that mean? Tumors shriking. My big unanswered question, and I have asked this of Dr. Lo: What markers, stats, counts, CT Scan reuslts are you looking for to make decisions on future treatments AND most importantly Surgery? I'm not sure why I haven't gotten a straight answer on this. Is it because it's too soon to tell? They need more months of chemo to determine how I'm doing? I really need some answers, unless they just don't want to tell me soenthing, then forget it, keep me in the dark.

Due to the past 2 weeks of mouth issues, I LOST 2 pounds. BOO. I have GOT to suck it up and re-gain those 2 pounds this week. I can't go below 100 pounds and I was at 102 yesteray, down from 106. This has got to stop. PLEASE lift prayers so I can fatten up.

Julie Dillon was my Chemo Buddy yesterday. She was awesome. Of course brought foods and force fed me until I fell asleep. Some good laughs and just a wonderful time to spend together.
My Army of Angels continue to amaze me with their gifts. I am so very very blessed!

Acceptance

2009-06-23T08:55:00.004-05:00

I've been pretty p.o.'d this week about the whole food thing. Don't I have enough challenges with this damn cancer?

So, in an effort to "accept" the fact that food is no longer a pleasure, it is a means to an end, I am starting to experiment with food I can tolerate and swallow. I basically need slippery food to help get down.

This morning I ate some couscous in chicken broth. Not very filling, I'm still hungry. Panera's chicken wild rice soup works as long as it's not too thick, I'll stock up Today.

I went to the Smoothie Factory yesterday and got a vanilla shake with Protein Powder. I may get that again today after I drop off Michaela at Baseball camp.

Katie made me some italian Green broth- her friend Lisa made that for me in the first weeks after my surgery. I'll try that as well.

On the Vanity Front: I started an antibiotic for my rash I get from the Erbitux and it's working great. That hot red rash on my chest is very subdued and my face is clearing up as well. At least I don't look as scary and the pain is gone too!

Tomorrow is the Full Chemo Cocktail. It's supposed to be like 95 degrees, but I'll be all wrapped up in blankies in the mauve vinyl chair in the Chemo Circle. Julie Dillon will be my Chemo buddy for the day.

I need to get some structure in my days. I've been super tired and lethargic, which doesn't help me get stronger. I think the lack of good food is also making me weak. I really need to figure this out so I don't lose momentum. When you're so used to working a job most of your life, it's very unsettling when the routine is gone. I'm in limbo and need to climb out.

Busy end of the week planned: Going to Penny's house for our monthly High School Girls gab fest. Saturday Gail, Gina and I are taking Susan out for a pre-surgery (breast cancer) love fest and Sunday, will see April and Kelly, my work Buds! Whew, I'm tired already!

As Always, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your continued prayers and support, a HUGE factor in my Progress and Healing.

The Results Are In...

2009-06-18T08:25:00.003-05:00

CT scan findings: Numerous hepatic metastases scattered throughout both lobes of the liver, now containing spiculated calcification, and most showing interval decrease in size. Mass in Right lobe was 10 x 6.0 CM and is now 3.7 x 5.5 CM (Dr Miller thinks the 5.5 correlates to the 10) and Large Metastasis on left lobe of liver now measures 3.1 x 2.3 down from 6.4 x 6.9.

In other words, Yippee. The decreased size of the larger tumors correlates with the decrease in the CRE marker (1400 to 68 to 39).

It was a relief to have confiramtion that the tumors are shrinking. I am so thankful. And so thankful for all the prayers coming my way. I have a looong way to go folks, many more months of chemo.

The Chemo is taking its toll on my body: super dry skin, I swear I shed a complete Peggy every other day!

Mouth Sores- My mouth is completely scorched. I can't taste a thing. Soups and rices that I was tolerating now hurt to have in my mouth. It SUCKS that I can't taste anything, but for it to HURT on top of it just blows. Shakes, because they are cold, I can tolerate best. I really don't want to live on milkshakes.

Numbing my mouth with lydecaine is an option, but the numbing factor Burns too, so why bother.

I have to muster the courage and the strength to choke down caloric food, withstand the pain and live with the fact that there is absolutley NO pleasure in Food anymore. My sense of taste has been so off from the beginning, so when I found foods I could tolerate and enjoy, it was always so gratifying.

So, please pray that I can find that strength and do what I need to do to nourish myself- a key factor in my healing.

XOXOX

Peggy

CT Scan

2009-06-15T17:54:00.004-05:00

Tuesday I'm going for my first CT scan since surgery. I have to do the barrium contrast drink- OH JOY! But I'm sure it won't be as nasty as the colonoscopy prep!

My Prayer for Tomorrow: That the CT scan shows significant improvement/shrinkage of my liver tumors and NO new growth in my body.

I also pray for relief of my mouth sores and tongue. It keeps me from eating enough food I so baadly need to keep my weight up.

I better take a "happy pill" tonight so I can combat the anxiety.

Will update when results are in, and I KNOW it's going to be positive, I just know it. Keep those prayers and positive vibes flowing!!!

XOXO

Peggy

2009-06-13T15:22:00.004-05:00

Friday Night cook out with Art & Mindy Carlson and Dale and Pat Stephens. They were angels to accomodate my low partying threshhold and make the trip on a Friday evening from Mokena and Naperville. These couples are college friends of Lee's from Illinois State. They are salt of the earth, and I'm so glad they are part of my life!

Mindy reps several clothing lines and brought me a bunch of samples to wear. What a generous wonderful thing to do. Love you Mindy. And the jeans fit great!

Art wanted some shout-outs on the Blog, but damn if I remember a THING from last night's conversations.

Counting my abundant Blessings for the wonderful people in my life, in my corner, fighting right along with me. It really is energizing and healing to be around the people you love....so THANK YOU

XOXOX Peggy