Saturday, July 31, 2010

How Dare I Feel Down

I've been off of chemo since mid-June.  I kept up with all the parties and family and running around. No afternoon napping for me.  Moved into Mom-mode in trying to organize Colleen and getting her ready for her big move to college.  Spent the last 4 weekends focused on Michaela and her softball practice and local weekend tournaments.  Survived last week's flood.  All in all, I've been "living normal"...doing all the regular stuff of life.  Small, day-to-day activities that were elusive this time last year. 

But....

I'm feeling really restless.  Incomplete. Lost.  I was close to breaking down and having a good cry fest today.  I actually planned on going to a chapel this afternoon to just be alone, unfindable, and see if I could make any sense of my current state of mind.

I'm feeling anxious and desperate.  I need to work again.  As in MONEY.  I'm scared. 

Then, I read on the colon cancer message board that I frequent, that one of "us" - a fighter/survivor, has taken a turn for the worse.  Colon cancer spread to her brain, nothing they can do, she has a  13-yo child.  Donna is such a beautiful spirit. She's probably pretty tired of fighting.

My CT scan is in 2 weeks.  Am I still cancer free?  My colonoscopy is in Spetember, will the "symptoms" I'm having now mean the  cancer is returned?  The thought of only being "free" for a short while is unerving.
How do people keep fighting and fighting when they get recurrences?

But....how dare I feel one bit sad or depressed.  Because today, I am cancer free, and here, and have every reason in the world to be happy.  Donna doesn't get that.

7 comments:

  1. There are so many ups and downs ... it's so hard.

    Wishing you all the best with your scans.

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  2. Peggy, keep the faith that THE WAY will become clear for everything. I have read that CEA numbers can fluctuate up or down even if you don't have the cancer anymore so I am going with that for you. We are all still praying for you to get your mojo back! love you - kirsten

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  3. It is not unusual, after treatment to have these feelings. The American Cancer Society (www.cancer.org)has a page called Life After Cancer. The National Cancer Institute (www.cancer.gov) has a page called Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment. Both provide a lot of helpful information. Good luck with your scans... I know how nerve wracking it is!

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  4. Peggy we will continue to pray for your good health. Leave all your questions in God's hands and He will surely take care of you. Have fun with the college send-off but be sure to take lots of Kleenex along! Sarah and Sean

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  5. Hi Peggy, I've also been hopping up and down on the cancer pogo stick. . . On the one hand, I am done with radiation and I think I am shaking the fatigue. On the other hand, I have scans coming up in Sept. BTW, I think I encountered Flotsam & Jetsam (or maybe their evil twins) during my last visit to the CBCC... I was ok, I just felt one of them was really condencending.... (No hugs with my drugs!)
    Anyhow, hang in there.
    KOB

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