I've been off of chemo since mid-June. I kept up with all the parties and family and running around. No afternoon napping for me. Moved into Mom-mode in trying to organize Colleen and getting her ready for her big move to college. Spent the last 4 weekends focused on Michaela and her softball practice and local weekend tournaments. Survived last week's flood. All in all, I've been "living normal"...doing all the regular stuff of life. Small, day-to-day activities that were elusive this time last year.
I'm feeling really restless. Incomplete. Lost. I was close to breaking down and having a good cry fest today. I actually planned on going to a chapel this afternoon to just be alone, unfindable, and see if I could make any sense of my current state of mind.
I'm feeling anxious and desperate. I need to work again. As in MONEY. I'm scared.
Then, I read on the colon cancer message board that I frequent, that one of "us" - a fighter/survivor, has taken a turn for the worse. Colon cancer spread to her brain, nothing they can do, she has a 13-yo child. Donna is such a beautiful spirit. She's probably pretty tired of fighting.
My CT scan is in 2 weeks. Am I still cancer free? My colonoscopy is in Spetember, will the "symptoms" I'm having now mean the cancer is returned? The thought of only being "free" for a short while is unerving.
How do people keep fighting and fighting when they get recurrences?
But....how dare I feel one bit sad or depressed. Because today, I am cancer free, and here, and have every reason in the world to be happy. Donna doesn't get that.