Thursday, April 15, 2010

Return to The Dark Side - Chemo Begins Monday

I start chemo on Monday. Same drugs, same schedule- one week = long infusion of full coctail, the next week, short infusion of Erbatux.  Scan in three months.  The one drug - Ironotecean, has some toxicity to liver, so Dr. Lo said she will maintain very low threshholds and numbers on bloodwork, to make sure not an issue.  If so, that drug will be taken off the list.

So, halting of hair growth - it's the typical curly chemo hair.
Back to the nasty rash on my face- it's been nice having clear skin the past few weeks.  I went to NY with a horrible rash and it cleared up about three weeks later.
Back to being hooked up to a pack full of chemo to lug around for 2 days.

I have mixed emotions at this moment - I am sure that I want to do this "insurance" chemo, in the hopes that any lurking cancer cells will be nuked.  But I am ready to be DONE with it all.  I don't want to be around sick, dying people.  I don't want to be in the Cancer Hospital every day feeling sad for those who may not have it as good as I do right now.

I'm not sure where I fit in right now.  It's wierd.  I don't like it.


  1. I don't blame ya Peg it sucks. The only consolation is that at least you know there will be an end to it eventually. So hang in there girl, you're just around the corner of it being over=)


  2. Peggy, always darkest before the dawn and you are definitely heading toward the dawn and fullblown sunrise - keep your eye on the prize! love you, kirsten

  3. Once a warrior, always a warrior! Keep the are a miracle and a blessing all rolled into one. Luv ya, Gigi

  4. I don't blame you...I wouldn't want to be around hospitals or their sick patients or anyone or anything that reminded me of cancer, if I were you. Heck…get out and stay out!!

    But...what if six months ago you were able to sit next to a cancer survivor while on one of your many trips to the hospital? You were able to listen to this amazing story of survival and someone threw you a lifeline of hope? Would it have made a difference? Would it have given you comfort? I bet it would.

    If you can go into this with your spirit open to find out why you're there, you may find wonderful surprises. There may be more to this leg of your journey than meets the eye (if you will). Maybe you will be there to help someone with their healing process. Gosh… who knows what blessings you will be able to give and receive as you finish up this amazing journey. I can just hear the voice of a discouraged cancer patient telling her friend..."oh Suzie you won't believe who I met today...this wonderful woman and she has the most amazing story, she survived stage 4 liver cancer. If she survived then maybe I can too". And so it goes…you plant a seed of hope in someone, and all it takes is that little bit of hope to do big things. The Bible says if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can move mountains.
    Meeting you changed my life and I’m sure you will impact many more along the way.

    I love you and hope to see you soon.

  5. Hope you are well enough to join us for dinner on the 21st. we all want to hear personally of "Your Miracle". If you cannot join us well...we understand and await the time we can all be together. Mary was right, you can find goodness in this final round of "Crap" as you witness to others and give them hope in a time of despair.

    Love you lots,


  6. Thanks for a very honest post. It is okay to express your emotions... your disappointment, your frustration, your anxiety. Those living with Cancer can totally relate. Those who aren't need to know... CANCER SUCKS! I hope that this new treatment goes well for you and side effects keep to a minimum.

  7. You are almost there - don't be afraid to finish strong. I know you have it in you - it's the final wall to smash to a gazillion pieces.

    Hang on, hang in, hang tough.

    You are SO loved by SO many ♥

    You got this, and we all have your back.

    Love, love, love xoxoxoxo

    Lori Lu

  8. Good luck tomorrow, Peggy. I hope this round of Chemo isn't too bad. Just because you've been through this regiment before doesn't make it any easier. Hugs.

  9. oophs. posted twice. sorry. you're in my thoughts and prayers. (now that makes three!)

  10. Hang in there, Peggy! I will be reprinting your last five posts at Being Cancer Network to share with other, especially those in similar difficult situations