Monday, April 26, 2010

To Blog or Not To Blog - That Is The Question

I'm in this very strange place - one month ago, I had a surgery that was not an option for me, until a series of miracles made it an option for me.  While I am technically "cancer-free", said with fingers crossed, I am still in treatment for the next 3 months or so in the hopes that some more toxic chemicals will nuke any microscopic cancer cells.  So many conflicting emotions on this- will this additional chemo make any cancer in my body more resistent to the chemo?  Will this chemo effect me in other ways yet to be discovered?

I'm also having flashbacks of what was happening to me a year ago - a year ago  I was just one month post-surgery from the colon resection.  A year ago I was trying to get emotionally and physically get used to having an ileostomy.  A year ago was so very sad, so very scary. Every day I'd wake up and then be shocked into the realization - I have cancer.

So now that I am in a very different place than a year ago, do I keep on blogging?  Last year, from March through November, there was a constant stream of hospitilizations, surgeries, treatment issues, setbacks and bouncebacks to keep all my friends and family informed....now, hopefully, I can quietly continue my chemo, have scans and pray for continued remission.

I expect most of my challenges from now on will be mental/emotional ones - figuring out how to recreate some kind of positive life for me and my family - what do I do?  Where's the right place for me to give back? Work- do I even try to get back in the game?  What are my options?
I'm sure for anyone in "remission" the mental part is a tough phase - you go from almost dead to alive - from hopeless to full of hope. I feel like there's an expectation of me to "live BIG", to be a walking advertisement of life after cancer, reverence to the miracle etc....yet I "know" that my surgery, while a wonderful thing. does NOT take me completely out of the woods. I have a 60% chance of recurrence. My surgeon told me not to thank him for Five years, that oh-so important cancer statistic.
what do I do? how do put it all in it's proper place?  I guess I'll keep praying and hope it's not too much to ask

9 comments:

  1. I think you go on as you have been Peg...one day at a time. As far as blogging...I think you should do it when you feel the need too. I understand what you're saying in that there won't be much happening, so again, do it when you feel the need too.

    Other than that girl...just live:D

    Hugs,
    April

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  2. I agree with April on this Peg...do whatever the heck feels right for you in the moment. You don't have to be anything for anybody, except what's right for you.

    Your blog has been amazing and beautiful and I would miss hearing from you and your friends and family if it were no longer to be. But, just take each day as it comes. I am sure there are very few of us who follow and comment on your blog who can really understand exactly how you feel and where you're coming from; we haven’t even come close to walking a mile in your shoes. Very often when I want to give you support my comments must seem rather clumsy or even completely off base but I hope you know they come from a place of love and friendship.

    You are so honest with your feelings and your experience, it must be said…it has been a privilege to be a part of your journey and so thank you! You are one of the bravest women I know and when I hear you express your vulnerability it simply reminds me that courage is not the absence of fear…it is simply the willingness to take the next step in spite of it. Although I hope you continue to document your experience and allow us to come along with you via the blog, this decision is all yours and you have my support no matter what. You will always stay in my prayers, my thoughts and my heart.

    I love you my friend!
    Mary

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  3. Ok...so yup...I have something else to say and I know you're shocked, right?

    Peggy, if you feel like you don't have much to say about your journey to health, I would love to hear what you have to say about other topics too. So, please feel free to go off topic if you like and share other thoughts and insights you may have. I'm sure I would find it interesting and I bet others would too. I might even have something to contribute along with your other followers.

    Just something to think about and OK now I'm done writing...for now anyway.

    Mary

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  4. Its up to you, but followers of your blog, and those who just occasionally pop in would miss you. Its okay to blog about life after cancer. Survivorship is a huge topic. Post an inspiring video or funny cartoon, or just a family update. You don't have to write much to keep us coming back! BUT... if you choose to close your blog, that's perfectly okay too. I have two blogs so I know how much work they are to maintain. Sometimes our needs and interests change. Perhaps there is another place to channel your energy to! :)

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  5. Peg,
    I have to try and be the very first person to "comment" after your blog entries-your family and friends are VERY HARD acts to follow:) What wonderful people you have in your life-you are blessed to have them as they are to have you. That being said-I agree with all of them! Your blog that has taken us all on this very scary, very emotional, very inspirational magical mystery tour is one that I am blessed to be a part of.I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say thank you for allowing us into this very private place. You have truly become a hero to me as I've "read" you this past year. Do what makes you feel good. Do what you need to do. Blog or don't. Cry or celebrate or bitch or laugh or stop it altogether. Collectively we will all be here for you and your family whether we see you in print or at the Jewel! If we do see you at Jewel are we allowed to hug you?! Love, Pam and Tay

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  6. I'd have to say ... with all of the comments. Do what feels right.

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  7. Hi Peg, Once again I am amazed at your wonderful network of family and friends. I agree with their wise words. Like them, I will just keep praying for your health and continued remission. Getting your mindset to where you need it to be may include blogging and it may not. I, too, feel priveleged to have been part of your journey thus far. Your strength has given me strength. The answer will reveal itself. As always love and hugs, your old friend, Brigette

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  8. Peggy, of course you must do what feels right. You must think of yourself. But, and I think I may have said this to you before, you have a real gift for writing! And I think that people will listen to you, or at least acknowledge that your thoughts put on paper provide a very easy, enjoyable AND thought-provoking read. So, in short, do what feels good, but also know that your blog could have a lot of life beyond being a cancer commentary - and that you may have a lot to say on MANY topics. All the best. Gail B.

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  9. Peggy,

    My cancer is different. And sometimes called "the good cancer"....

    but I happened upon your blog from the "Being Cancer Network" and I so appreciate what I have read so far.

    I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your journey.

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