I'm in this very strange place - one month ago, I had a surgery that was not an option for me, until a series of miracles made it an option for me. While I am technically "cancer-free", said with fingers crossed, I am still in treatment for the next 3 months or so in the hopes that some more toxic chemicals will nuke any microscopic cancer cells. So many conflicting emotions on this- will this additional chemo make any cancer in my body more resistent to the chemo? Will this chemo effect me in other ways yet to be discovered?
I'm also having flashbacks of what was happening to me a year ago - a year ago I was just one month post-surgery from the colon resection. A year ago I was trying to get emotionally and physically get used to having an ileostomy. A year ago was so very sad, so very scary. Every day I'd wake up and then be shocked into the realization - I have cancer.
So now that I am in a very different place than a year ago, do I keep on blogging? Last year, from March through November, there was a constant stream of hospitilizations, surgeries, treatment issues, setbacks and bouncebacks to keep all my friends and family informed....now, hopefully, I can quietly continue my chemo, have scans and pray for continued remission.
I expect most of my challenges from now on will be mental/emotional ones - figuring out how to recreate some kind of positive life for me and my family - what do I do? Where's the right place for me to give back? Work- do I even try to get back in the game? What are my options?
I'm sure for anyone in "remission" the mental part is a tough phase - you go from almost dead to alive - from hopeless to full of hope. I feel like there's an expectation of me to "live BIG", to be a walking advertisement of life after cancer, reverence to the miracle etc....yet I "know" that my surgery, while a wonderful thing. does NOT take me completely out of the woods. I have a 60% chance of recurrence. My surgeon told me not to thank him for Five years, that oh-so important cancer statistic.
what do I do? how do put it all in it's proper place? I guess I'll keep praying and hope it's not too much to ask